As mentioned earlier, I’ve been watching ‘Shameless.’ There are a lot of important scenes, but one that struck me hard was this one between Ian and Mickey. Start watching at 2:11.
Ian: How do you know you love me? Huh? How do you really know? I'm bipolar, right? I don't know who I am from one day to the next. I can't guarantee s—t. So why do you wanna spend the rest of your life with me? Are you f—-g crazy? And who else have you dated?
Mickey: I've dated plenty of people--
Ian: No, no, no, no, no. Not f—-d, dated, been in love with. How can you possibly know that me, that-that this, all of me, all the f—-g versions I am, how do you know that that's what you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
Mickey: Jesus Christ, Ian. I've always known Gallaghers were f—-d up, but I have never been happier to be a Milkovich. When you get over this whole "I'm not worthy of love" bulls—t, why don't you give me a call? Maybe if Barry hasn't made an honest woman out of me, I'll still be around.
I found this scene powerful because I understand how Ian feels.
What is it exactly that makes a person worthy?
People I know would tell me worth is inherent. You are born with it. In Judaism, we would say that since every human has a God-given soul, that makes them worthy. But I think that is difficult to internalize. It’s easier to find worth based on one’s contribution to the world. Obviously, a doctor who cures cancer is a worthy individual. One could argue that anyone who makes a significant impact upon the world- who finds an important theorem, makes an incredible invention, or writes a bestselling book- is worthy.
A belief that worth is earned rather than inherent is problematic for a variety of reasons. It means worth is dependent on external factors, and thus one’s sense of self- and one’s self esteem- will fluctuate based on how well one is or isn’t doing at achieving the parameters they have set up that equal “worth.” Worse, a person may decide their worth is dependent on someone else’s good opinion of them. If that person doesn’t agree with one’s viewpoint or the way one lives their life, it is experienced as something much bigger than a simple disagreement. It’s an undermining of the self, of one’s worth, and that leads to self-loathing.
Religion can exacerbate this. I listened to a podcast on 18Forty today. It was with Dr. Debbie Stone and entitled, “Can Prayer Be Taught?” Over the course of the episode, she mentioned the physical layout of the synagogue. This brought back a memory.
I read Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik’s books in high school. In many ways, they saved my Judaism. Here was a man, and a philosophy, I could actually respect, and that I thought I could live by. The problem was that Soloveitchik had viewpoints and opinions that directly clashed with the way I lived. His book Halakhic Man uplifted the man of halakha above the homo religiosus. While the aspect of creativity that halakhic man embodies resonated with me, it was clear that I did not fit his prototype. He was describing the ideal person, and not only was it not me- it was not someone I could be. It isn’t who I am- this rational, intellectual person. I felt guilty about that.
The Rav also described his view that there is no room for moodiness in religion. That aesthetics should not impact one’s ability to pray. Even in high school, I recognized that I wasn’t able to connect to his statements there- and wrote a post about it.
I also agonized over Zionism. I decided I was a false Zionist.
Religion, as I experienced it, told me who I should be, what I should value, what was right and what was wrong. So I tried to be what I believed I should be, and for the most part, I wasn’t able to change my nature. I experience God through emotion rather than beautifully developed halakhic constructs. I can pray better in a gorgeous, architecturally beautiful setting. And my Zionism, such as it is, is complex. I felt - and sometimes still feel- guilty about all of it. If the Rav was my role model, surely I should live up to his ideals, to what he said was right?
The religious education many of us receive ties our worth to how well we follow God’s laws. The righteous are rewarded and sinners are punished. Judaism is not Christianity; we do not believe God’s love conquers all. Judaism is the religion of atonement, where sinners burn to death or are swallowed by the earth.
So how does one navigate this? How can one inhabit a Judaism where one consistently feels like they am falling short?
One way is to realize Judaism is broader and more complex than what we were first taught. Yes, there is the Rav, but there is also Rav Kook. There is more than one way to dance with God. If I cannot find myself walking one path, I can walk another. After all, there are seventy ways to meet my God.
Here is a daring idea. It’s not one I necessarily believe. But what if- what if- the voice inside you that whispers you are not worthy, you are falling short, you are not practicing the religion the way you ought to, you’ve simply chosen to prioritize convenience over truth, and all of this makes you bad- is actually your yetzer hara [evil inclination]?
You actually need self-worth - and even ego- to serve God in this world.
I like this statement:
Do good with all your ego.
Say, “I need to make this happen.”
Say, “I have to see this done.”
Not only is this “I” permissible, it is crucial to your mission in life.
So when does ego become evil?
When it believes the I is your mission in life.
You don’t need to feel worthy to reach for joy. You just have to decide the joy is worth reaching for.
But it can- and does- help if one day you can believe you have inherent worth.
In the meantime, surround yourself with people who believe in your worth. In the end, that’s what Ian does. He may feel damaged, fractured, unpredictable and unworthy- but that’s not how Mickey sees him.
So if you’re Ian, may you be lucky enough to find your Mickey. The person who will buoy you up on the dark days, and who will love you for your soul, not for what you have or have not done. The person who will walk beside you in the valley of death, and who will offer their hand to lead you out. The person who will wrap you in love when all you feel is despair.
The person who believes you are worthy even when you do not.