The Law of Causality: Rape to Rebellion
In the past week’s parsha, Ki Tetze, our sages tease out a narrative that is not explicitly stated in the text. They do this through the process of juxtaposition, recognizing that certain segments are placed next to each other for a purpose, not randomly. As a child who grew up on The Little Midrash Says, this narrative caught my attention because it fit with my vision of the world; it remains that way today.
It begins with the story of a Yefat Toar, the beautiful captive of war.
וְרָאִ֨יתָ֙ בַּשִּׁבְיָ֔ה אֵ֖שֶׁת יְפַת־תֹּ֑אַר וְחָֽשַׁקְתָּ֣ בָ֔הּ וְלָֽקַחְתָּ֥ לְךָ֖ לְאִשָּֽׁה:
and you see among the captives a beautiful woman and you desire her, you may take [her] for yourself as a wife.
An Israelite man goes out to war. His animal lust is stirred by the fury of battle, and he sees a beautiful maiden. His blood is pounding within him and he desires to rape her. According to some accounts, he can do so- once (see Maimonides 8:2). However, she then becomes his responsibility. He must take her home and offer her marriage. The question is whether the woman will remain as beautiful and irresistible in the cold light of day as she did on the frenzied field of battle. The Torah lays out a recipe: she must grow her nails long, so that they are clawed and ugly. She must shave her head, because perhaps her long tresses are what excited you. She must remove the beautiful garment she was wearing when she was captured, because perhaps it was alluring. And she must spend an entire month weeping for her father and mother. If, after all this, you still desire her, you are permitted to marry her (after she converts).
What does this accomplish? If the woman became pregnant by rape, it permits her a home with the responsible man rather than being sent back in disgrace to her parents. One month was presumably enough time for her to know whether she had missed her menses. It also means that the soldier must either take responsibility and marry her or must let her go. He is not permitted to use her as a slave or give her to another member of his household to marry. Thus the Torah softens a familiar act of war- raping and pillaging- by making it have consequences.
Let’s say this man marries this woman. Shortly thereafter we read:
טוכִּי־תִֽהְיֶ֨יןָ לְאִ֜ישׁ שְׁתֵּ֣י נָשִׁ֗ים הָֽאַחַ֤ת אֲהוּבָה֙ וְהָֽאַחַ֣ת שְׂנוּאָ֔ה וְיָֽלְדוּ־ל֣וֹ בָנִ֔ים הָֽאֲהוּבָ֖ה וְהַשְּׂנוּאָ֑ה וְהָיָ֛ה הַבֵּ֥ן הַבְּכֹ֖ר לַשְּׂנִיאָֽה:
If a man has two wives-one beloved and the other despised-and they bear him sons, the beloved one and the despised one, and the firstborn son is from the despised one.
וְהָיָ֗ה בְּיוֹם֙ הַנְחִיל֣וֹ אֶת־בָּנָ֔יו אֵ֥ת אֲשֶׁר־יִֽהְיֶ֖ה ל֑וֹ לֹ֣א יוּכַ֗ל לְבַכֵּר֙ אֶת־בֶּן־הָ֣אֲהוּבָ֔ה עַל־פְּנֵ֥י בֶן־הַשְּׂנוּאָ֖ה הַבְּכֹֽר:
Rather, he must acknowledge the firstborn, the son of the despised [wife] and give him a double share in all that he possesses, because he [this firstborn son] is the first of his strength, then he has the birthright entitlement.
Who is this despised wife? Our sages identify her as the Yefat Toar. Over time, the man who thought himself so in lust- or in love- with this woman discovers she is not what he believed. Perhaps her sexual intensity wears off, or he discovers that she does not share his values. Either way, he now despises her.
I think there is something more to it. From poisoned beginnings, rot ensues. He raped this woman, then married her. When he looks at her, what does he see? His own sin, staring back at him. Not, perhaps, a sin in the full halakhic [legal] sense of the term, but in terms of his own behavior. He can never escape what he did, the kind of man he was.
We see this exact scenario in the rape of Tamar by Amnon. After Amnon rapes his half-sister, finally achieving the outcome he has been longing for for days, weeks, possibly even months, we read:
וַיִּשְׂנָאֶ֣הָ אַמְנ֗וֹן שִׂנְאָה֙ גְּדוֹלָ֣ה מְאֹ֔ד כִּ֣י גְדוֹלָ֗ה הַשִּׂנְאָה֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר שְׂנֵאָ֔הּ מֵאַהֲבָ֖ה אֲשֶׁ֣ר אֲהֵבָ֑הּ וַֽיֹּאמֶר־לָ֥הּ אַמְנ֖וֹן ק֥וּמִי לֵֽכִי:
And Amnon hated her with very great hatred, for greater was the hatred with which he hated her than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up (and) go."
Every time I teach this narrative, I ask my students: why did he hate her so much? They offer all kinds of answers, but the one I always hope they hit on - and inevitably someone does- is that he sees himself reflected in her. Every time he looks at Tamar, he will see the grasping beast he became, the one who plotted and schemed and took her by force. He can’t bear to face this aspect of himself and so he banishes her.
Tamar sees this as a betrayal, preferring a life of security with him to a life of shame. So too our hated Yefat Toar. Despite her status, she wants to make sure her son is treated fairly. And the Torah supports her in this, laying out in no uncertain terms that a father must give the double portion of the birthright to his firstborn son, even if the son is the child of the despised wife.
But what does it do to a child to grow up under these conditions? What does it do to him to know his mother was a captive of war, raped on the battlefield? That his father now hates her? That he receives his birthright under duress?
The Torah answers this question, too. It leads the child to become a Ben Sorer u’Moreh- a rebellious son.
כִּי־יִֽהְיֶ֣ה לְאִ֗ישׁ בֵּ֚ן סוֹרֵ֣ר וּמוֹרֶ֔ה אֵינֶ֣נּוּ שֹׁמֵ֔עַ בְּק֥וֹל אָבִ֖יו וּבְק֣וֹל אִמּ֑וֹ וְיִסְּר֣וּ אֹת֔וֹ וְלֹ֥א יִשְׁמַ֖ע אֲלֵיהֶֽם
18If a man has a wayward and rebellious son, who does not obey his father or his mother, and they chasten him, and [he still] does not listen to them,
יטוְתָ֥פְשׂוּ ב֖וֹ אָבִ֣יו וְאִמּ֑וֹ וְהוֹצִ֧יאוּ אֹת֛וֹ אֶל־זִקְנֵ֥י עִיר֖וֹ וְאֶל־שַׁ֥עַר מְקֹמֽוֹ
his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city, and to the gate of his place.
כוְאָֽמְר֞וּ אֶל־זִקְנֵ֣י עִיר֗וֹ בְּנֵ֤נוּ זֶה֙ סוֹרֵ֣ר וּמֹרֶ֔ה אֵינֶ֥נּוּ שֹׁמֵ֖עַ בְּקֹלֵ֑נוּ זוֹלֵ֖ל וְסֹבֵֽא:
And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler."
כאוּרְגָמֻ֠הוּ כָּל־אַנְשֵׁ֨י עִיר֤וֹ בָֽאֲבָנִים֙ וָמֵ֔ת וּבִֽעַרְתָּ֥ הָרָ֖ע מִקִּרְבֶּ֑ךָ וְכָל־יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל יִשְׁמְע֥וּ וְיִרָֽאוּ:
And all the men of his city shall pelt him to death with stones, and he shall die. So shall you clear out the evil from among you, and all Israel will listen and fear.
The rabbis litigated this scenario out of existence. By reading into the text, they declared the boy had to be between the age of 13 and 3 months afterwards. The parents had to resemble one another physically and their voices had to resemble one another. They had to be the same height. The boy had to have stolen his father’s money and eaten half-raw meet and guzzled wine in low company. If he rebelled in any other way, he wasn’t a candidate for this punishment. Thus, it is stated that the law of Ben Sorer u’Moreh never occurred (Sanhedrin 71a). Such a child was never stoned to death.
But why did the law exist in the first place? Because the warning was there- this child begins with small crimes, and he will continue to commit much larger and far-reaching crimes. Killing him now is a mercy because his death will serve as an atonement before he sins further.
This is in distinction to the principle we learn by Ishmael- where God judges him b’asher hu sham- as he was in that particular moment.
Lately our society has become more and more familiar with the concept of ACES (adverse childhood experiences). It is very clear that the more ACES a child has, the more likely they are to experience adverse outcomes- when it comes to their health and behavior.
ACEs can have lasting, negative effects on health, well-being, as well as life opportunities such as education and job potential. These experiences can increase the risks of injury, sexually transmitted infections, maternal and child health problems (including teen pregnancy, pregnancy complications, and fetal death), involvement in sex trafficking, and a wide range of chronic diseases and leading causes of death such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, and suicide.
ACEs and associated social determinants of health, such as living in under-resourced or racially segregated neighborhoods, frequently moving, and experiencing food insecurity, can cause toxic stress (extended or prolonged stress). Toxic stress from ACEs can negatively affect children’s brain development, immune systems, and stress-response systems. These changes can affect children’s attention, decision-making, and learning.
Children growing up with toxic stress may have difficulty forming healthy and stable relationships. They may also have unstable work histories as adults and struggle with finances, jobs, and depression throughout life. These effects can also be passed on to their own children. Some children may face further exposure to toxic stress from historical and ongoing traumas due to systemic racism or the impacts of poverty resulting from limited educational and economic opportunities
There’s a reason this research is located on the page of the website dealing with Violence Prevention. The research is pretty clear- these ACES are often also predeterminants of violent crime. The people who are assaulting others, beating them and using guns on them are almost exclusively those who have grown up with a wide variety of ACEs. What parents sow, society reaps.
To me, the fascinating part about Parshat Ki Teitzei is that God provided this road map long before society discovered it. In a home where a man so mistreated the woman who became his wife, where he hates her and only gives her son the portion he deserves under duress, the son grows up feeling unstable, unloved, angry on behalf of his mother (or maybe angry at her, for accepting this treatment) and furious with his father. There is no model for healthy attachment or relationships, and it is no surprise the teen turns to a life where he undermines his father especially.
We believe everyone has free will, but it is often the case that people who begin with petty crimes graduate to larger crimes, and that theft leads to assault and eventually to murder. CP Handler is a social worker who worked with juveniles in the inner city who were in juvenile detention and was interviewed in this fascinating The Franciska Show podcast. The vast majority of the teens she interacted with ended up back in jail, and also ended up as victims or perpetrators.
“I can give you typical stories, but they end up with the kid dying or end up back in jail, or I can give you the anomalies.
[…]
The typical story is regardless of what kind of relationship you have with them or the effort you put into them, they WILL die or go back to prison. That is the typical story. The question is just: are they still gonna have nightmares in their cell, or run gangs or start riots, or are they just going to be in prison and be okay? That’s what a success story looks like in the field that I work in.”
Why did this happen to them? Why are these kids so stuck?
Because of the trauma that came first. Their dad was killed or in jail. Their aunt started having sex with them. Someone was abusing them. So they are placed in foster homes, many of which are not equipped to deal with the level of trauma these children have experienced. They hang out with other foster kids and do unsafe things, and everything escalates. That’s what Handler saw.
But we don’t need verbiage from government websites to tell us this. The Torah and our Sages showed it to us long ago. If the man never took the Yefat Toar as his bride, if he never married her, all the subsequent pain and trauma could have been avoided. The entire story is a cautionary tale of the web of pain and trauma that is caused by one battlefield decision, when your blood runs hot and your judgment runs poor.
So much misery caused by one act.
