In this week’s parsha, Shoftim, we are told that the priest informs soldiers that there are reasons they should return back home.
וּמִֽי־הָאִ֞ישׁ אֲשֶׁ֨ר אֵרַ֤שׂ אִשָּׁה֙ וְלֹ֣א לְקָחָ֔הּ יֵלֵ֖ךְ וְיָשֹׁ֣ב לְבֵית֑וֹ פֶּן־יָמוּת֙ בַּמִּלְחָמָ֔ה וְאִ֥ישׁ אַחֵ֖ר יִקָּחֶֽנָּה:
And what man is there who has betrothed a woman and has not [yet] taken her? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the war, and another man take her."
At first blush, this is puzzling. In Judaism, don’t we believe in soulmates? There is a famous Gemara that states:
אמר רב יהודה אמר רב: ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד, בת קול יוצאת ואומרת: בת פלוני לפלוני.
Rabbi Yehudah said in the name of Rav, “Forty days before the fetus is formed [i.e. at the time of conception], a heavenly voice announces, ‘The daughter of this man shall be for that man.’”
Wouldn’t this seem to indicate that God gives us the guarantee? All of us have a match, a bashert, a chosen soulmate. If that is the case, why does the man who has betrothed a woman have to worry that he might die in war?
Enter the Letter of the Rambam to Ovadiah the Ger. Rabbi Matt Schneeweiss was able to find me the Hebrew and the English translation (it’s possible he is the one who actually wrote the English translation; he doesn’t remember.)
שו"ת הרמב"ם סימן תלו (לר' עובדיה גר צדק)
שאלה על "הכל בידי שמים חוץ מיראת שמים" )ברכות דף לג). תשובה על מה שאמרת: אתה כי כל מעשה [בני] האדם אינם בגזירה מלפני הבורא יתעלה הוא האמת שאין בו דופי. ולפיכך נותנים לו שכר אם הלך בדרך טובה ונפרעין ממנו אם הלך בדרך רעה. וכל מעשה בני האדם בכלל יראת שמים הם, וסוף כל דבר ודבר ממעשה בני האדם בא לידי מצוה או עבירה. וזה שאמרו רז"ל "הכל בידי שמים" – במנהגו של עולם ותולדותיו וטבעו, כגון מיני אילנות וחיות ונפשות ומדעות וגלגלים ומלאכים הכל בידי שמים. וכבר הרחבנו בפי' מסכת אבות ענין זה והבאנו ראיות, וכן בתחלת החבור הגדול אשר חברנו בכל המצות. וכל המניח דברים שביארנו שהם בנויים על יסודי עולם והולך ומחפש בהגדה מן ההגדות או במדרש מן המדרשים או מדברי אחד הגאונים ז"ל עד שימצא מלה אחת ישיב בה על דברינו שהם דברי דעת ותבונה אינו אלא מאבד עצמו לדעת ודי לו מה שעשה בנפשו. וזה שאמ' לך רבך בת פלוני לפלוני וממון של פלוני לפלוני אם גזרה השוה בכל היא זאת והדברים כפשוטן, למה נאמ' בתורה "פֶּן יָמוּת בַּמִּלְחָמָה וְאִישׁ אַחֵר יִקָּחֶנָּה" (דברים כ:ז) "פֶּן יָמוּת בַּמִּלְחָמָה וְאִישׁ אַחֵר יְחַלְּלֶנּוּ" (שם ו). וכי יש בעולם בעל דעה יסתפק לו דבר זה אחר מה שכתוב בתורה? אלא כך ראוי למי שהוא מבין ולבו נכון לטול דרך האמת שישים ענין זה המפורש בתורה עיקר ויסוד, שלא יהרוס בנין ויתד התקועה אשר לא תמוט וכשימצא פסוק מדברי הנביאים או דבר מדברי רז"ל חולק על עיקר זה וסותר ענין זה ידרוש ויבקש בעין לבו עד שיבין דברי הנביא או החכם אם יצאו דבריהם מכוונים בענין המפורש בתורה הרי מוטב ואם לאו יאמר דברי הנביא הזה או דברי חכם זה איני יודע אותם, ודברים שבגו הם ואינם על פשוטיהם. וזה שאמ' החכם בתו של פלוני לפלוני דרך שכר או דרך פורענות הוא זה. שאם זה האיש או זאת האשה עשו מצוה שראוי ליתן שכרה בהם זיווג יפה ומשובח הקב"ה מזווגן זה לזה. וכן אם ראוי ליפרע מהם בזיווג שיהיה בו קטטה ומלחמה תמיד מזוגן. וזה כענין שאמרו רז"ל "אפילו ממזר אחד בסוף העולם וממזרת אחת בסוף העולם הקב"ה מביאן ומזווגן זה לזה" ואין דבר זה השוה לכל אלא לאלו שנתחייבו או שזכו כמו שישר בעיני אלהים יתעלה. וכל אלו הדברים הם בנויים על מה שפירשנו בפירוש משנת אבות כמו שהבנת. וחכם גדול אתה ולב מבין יש לך שהבנת הדברים וידעת דרך הישרה. וכתב משה ב"ר מימון
Rambam: Responsa 436 to Ovadiah, the Righteous Convert
[Regarding your] question on, “Everything is in the hands of heaven except for fear of heaven” (Berachos 33b), the answer to what you asked [is as follows]: That all human actions are not compelled by a decree from the Creator (may He be exalted) is true without a doubt. Therefore, a person is rewarded if he follows the good path and punished if he follows the bad path. All human actions are included in “the fear of heaven,” for every single action eventuates in either a mitzvah or an aveirah. When the Rabbis (of blessed memory) said, “Everything is in the hands of heaven” [they were referring to] the patterns of nature and its consequences and its nature, such as the species of trees, animals, souls, sciences, spheres, and angels – all of them are “in the hands of heaven.” We have already expanded upon this matter in our commentary on Avos and we have brought proofs; we have also explained this at the beginning of our magnum opus which we composed on all of the mitzvos (i.e. the Mishneh Torah). Anyone who neglects these principles which we have explained and which are founded on the pillars of the world, and goes and searches for one of the aggadic statements or midrashim or the words of one of the Gaonim until he finds one word which contradicts our words – which are words of knowledge and understanding – is only committing suicide; and it is enough for him what he has done to his own soul.
Regarding that which your rabbi taught you: “The daughter of so-and-so is for so-and-so! The field of so-and-so is for so-and-so!” – if this were a [Divine] decree which is equal for everyone and the statements were intended to be understood literally, then why would the Torah say, “Lest he will die in war and another man take her (i.e. the first man’s wife)” (Devarim 20:7) or “lest he will die in war and another man will redeem it (i.e. the vineyard)” (ibid. 6). Is there any rational person in the world who would deny this principle, given that it is written in the Torah?
Rather, the following is the proper [approach] for a person of understanding whose heart is faithful to take the path of truth, namely, that he should make the matter which is explicitly stated in the Torah into a fundamental principle and foundation, and should not demolish a building and a firm peg which does not falter. When he finds a verse from the prophets or a statement from the Rabbis (of blessed memory) which contradicts this fundamental principle and undermines this idea, he should seek and search with his mind’s eye until he understands the words of that prophet or that wise man to assess: if it is in line with the idea stated explicitly in the Torah, then it is good; and if not, he should say, “I don’t know the meaning of that prophet’s words or the words of that wise man. They must have a hidden meaning, and were not intended literally.”
That which the Sage stated: “The daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so” was intended by way of reward and punishment, namely, that if this man or this woman had done a mitzvah which would be deserving of a good and praiseworthy match, Ha’Kadosh Baruch Hu would match them up with each other. Likewise, if they were worthy to be punished in their match and to suffer constant marital strife and war, He would match them up.
This is similar to what the Rabbis (of blessed memory) said: “Even if a mamzer is at one end of the earth and a mamzeret is at the other end of the earth, Ha’Kadosh Baruch Hu will bring them and match them together.” This matter is not equal for everybody, but only for those who are deserving [of punishment] or who merit [reward] – all in accordance with what is proper in the eyes of God (may He be exalted).
All of these matters are built upon that which I have explained in my commentary to Avos, as you have understood. You are a great chacham and you have an understanding mind that is capable of understanding these things and knowing the upright path.
- Moshe ben ha’Rav Maimon
Maimonides is clear that it is not so simple. One cannot simply rely upon a Divine decree to find one’s match. Instead, you earn the right to your soulmate, and much of it depends on how you behave.
In his words:
That which the Sage stated: “The daughter of so-and-so to so-and-so” was intended by way of reward and punishment, namely, that if this man or this woman had done a mitzvah which would be deserving of a good and praiseworthy match, Ha’Kadosh Baruch Hu would match them up with each other. Likewise, if they were worthy to be punished in their match and to suffer constant marital strife and war, He would match them up.
Cue “Something Good” from The Sound of Music.
Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truthFor here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Thus, your actions have an impact. All your actions.
If you go out to war and risk your life, someone else may come along and marry your betrothed. If you act cruelly or wrongly, God might match you with someone who makes your life a living hell. Your actions and your choices are what lead to the outcome of who your soulmate is, not simply a predestined Bat Kol.
And this idea echoes one in Marvin Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled.
Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn’t, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, “I feel like loving you, but I am not going to.” […] My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.
I think we don’t just meet our soulmate once. I think we create our capacity to be a soulmate, and to attract a soulmate, through our constant and consistent work on ourselves. The narrative our popular culture feeds us is wrong. We do not fall in love- or at least, no stable relationship can remain stable because of an initial falling. We choose to love. We practice love. We work very, very hard to be loving, and to acknowledge when we have failed, and to do better.
Multiple sources say God creates the world anew every single minute.
So too, I think we create ourselves, our ability to be loved, and our ability to love anew- every single minute. It all comes down to our actions and our choices.
I don’t just marry my husband once. I marry him every single day, again, every time I choose to be devoted to him. One has to choose to renew, and to practice constant renewal.
Soulmates do not just exist; they are made- and they can be lost. It all depends on your choices. How you choose. What you choose. How you continue to choose.
It’s up to you.
