I’ve wanted to write a book since forever.
It doesn’t even matter what kind of book. A children’s book. A romance novel. A Jewish book of Torah ideas. A strange book that is some combination of all the things I enjoy- magic, fantasy and Tanakh-that appeals to no one but myself.
I find that I can’t get started. I can’t write it.
There’s so much fear.
Why?
Because in my head, I feel like I have all this potential- which everyone has always told me I have- and like no matter what I do, it won’t be good enough.
In my head, whatever I write has to be profound, important, deep, an amazing debut novel, a New York Times bestselling book. It has to be excellent. And the odds are not in my favor on this. That is just not how most authors’ first works go.
I realize that what I need to do is just do. Just write. Make it a habit. Aim for a certain number of words, or pages, or maybe even hours per day. And focus on the doing, not no the quality of the work. That’s the way I’m going to get anything done. I know this. And yet, as I pause, holding pen to paper- or in reality, holding my hands poised before the keyboard- I can’t begin.
Because once I start I will immediately judge it. It’s too derivative. It’s stupid. No one will like it. No one will publish it. No one will buy it. People will dismiss it- it’s silly, or dumb, or not important- and if I end up putting my name on it, they’ll dismiss me, too. I feel like I need to accept all of this and steel myself against it before I begin- even though I also realize that’s not a winning strategy because then nothing will ever get done.
Part of the issue is perfectionism. I can see all the flaws in any concept I might come up with. I can pick it apart. In my case, perfect is absolutely the enemy of the good. If I can get something done, let alone publish a mediocre book, that will be a huge win for me. Because the other option is to never get anything done. The fear makes me feel like anything I try to write will never be good enough.
(There are some people who can and should research every aspect of what they are writing about. That’s not me for the very simple reason that then there will never be enough research. There will always be something else I convince myself I need to learn before putting pen to paper. It will get in my way rather than empowering me. Hence the goal of getting a mediocre book done- and ideally published.)
I think writing this out in this public forum might hold me accountable- I hope it will. If I acknowledge the fear, maybe at some point it means it will not be as acute. When fear only lives in my head, it’s harder to battle.
So here we are.
My name is Chana.
I want to write a book.
I’m afraid to start.
I hope you will try to write the book. I so value the conviction you bring to writing and talking about what needs to be talked about.
Writing is like art. At first it may look like splashes of paint that don't come together, but eventually the artist amends, perfects, adds and detracts until a beautiful image appears. Writing is not supposed to be perfect at first. The only way to create the portrait is to start with putting your ideas on paper and slowly perfecting as time goes on. For those who can never do enough research, it get's easier when you already have the base knowledge on paper and you don't have to focus on every aspect at once. You can then research or analyze specific sub-issues further until you are satisfied. Takes time, but it's worth it.
Just my two cents.