Sex Ed in Jewish High Schools

Please click here to listen to “Teaching a Jewish Sexual Ethic in High School: A Panel Discussion” on the Orthodox Conundrum podcast. The panel consists of me, Yoetzet Halacha Tova Sinensky and Rabbi Moshe Simkovich with podcast host Rabbi Scott Kahn.

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We need to teach sex ed in Modern Orthodox coed high schools. We also need to teach a Jewish sexual ethic- which goes beyond halakha focused education using language of permitted and forbidden- in high school. We need to do this for a variety of reasons. But I’ll just use the pull quote (which is me talking) from the beginning of the podcast episode to start.

I think this emphasis on halakha-only education or abstinence-only education is problematic in that we have several different things we want our students to be. We want them to be halakhic and observers of halakha, certainly, but we also want them to be ethical people and humane and people of good character. So for example let’s say two high school students engage in some kind of forbidden act halakhically speaking. There’s a really big difference between the two of them doing so consensually and the two of them doing so because one of them pressured or coerced the other. And if we simply put all of that under the banner of “you’re not abstinent” then we have failed the kids.

How did I get to this viewpoint? I’ll tell you how.

On February 24, 2021, SAR (specifically Rabbi Tully Harcsztark and Dr. Rivka Press Schwartz) helped break the story that Modern Orthodox high school students have a binge drinking problem. They did this by making sure that yeshiva high school students around the country took a survey about their substance use and then reporting the data. That data mattered, because once it existed, programming came to high schools around the country around this issue.

That’s when I realized we need the exact same kind of survey on the topic of yeshiva high school students and sexuality. We need to know whether they already have any kind of sex education course and if it’s effective. We need to know if they have exposure or access to pornography, how frequently they use it, and the kind of pornography they are watching. We need to know if they know individuals who have sent or received nude photos/ sexted/ been victims of sextortion (and whether they are those individuals). We need to know if they have engaged in a variety of different sexual acts, and if they have done so after drinking alcohol. And we have to know these things for many reasons, but first and foremost in order to keep our students safe.

If you don’t think these things are happening at our yeshiva high schools, you are mistaken. Listen to Rahel Bayar’s podcast where she talks about sexting, exchanging nudes and sextortion. These are sixth graders - middle schoolers- and when she comes to speak, they are raising their hands that they know people who have sent or received nude photos.

Because we live in the age of smartphones and the level of access is unprecedented. When a parent hands their child a smartphone, they are giving them access to everything. And that means yes, people are going to DM your child and ask them for nudes. Or your kid will have access to pornography. Or shows on HBO and Netflix that do not depict consent or healthy relationships- but which are titillating and arousing and exciting.

We don’t want our teens to learn about sex from the Internet, HBO or pornography. We want to be the ones framing the conversation, sharing important Jewish values and explaining what a healthy Jewish sexual ethic looks like. So where do we go from here?

There are some options that already exist.

• Dr. Rivka Press Schwartz already has a course on sexuality and Judaism at SAR. You can see her article about it here.

• Yoetzet Halacha Tova Sinensky taught a class on sexuality and Judaism at Frisch and other schools. You can see some information about it here.

• Ramaz has had a course on sex and halacha for quite some time; see here.

• A curriculum was composed and implemented at one point by Jennie Rosenfeld- it was called Tzelem- you can see it described here. (To my knowledge, it is not still being used, but I may be mistaken.)

• Rabbi Noah Marlowe is working on “a theologically-compelling and psychologically-informed curriculum for sexual education” via the Tikvah Fund per his bio here.

However, this is being done piecemeal. There is no one survey that has been conducted that has provided the data we need about the sexual and intimate lives of yeshiva day school high school students. Once that survey exists and we have that data, we can create something more robust, and every single yeshiva high school can get onboard.

Please listen to the podcast and share this idea with the powers that be at your local Modern Orthodox high school. In the meantime, I’ll also leave you with some resources (books and otherwise) if you as a parent want to make sure you’re giving your child a helpful and healthy Jewish sexual education. (Note- these resources are not aimed at teenagers, but if you as parents use them, they will help you frame the discussion.)

• Rahel Bayar - who gives workshops for parents, teens, schools, camps and more on consent, internet safety, abuse prevention and more

• Marital Intimacy by Rabbi Avraham Peretz Friedman

• Talking About Intimacy and Sexuality: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents by Yocheved Debow

• The Newlywed Guide to Physical Intimacy by Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner

• The Marriage Covenant by Rabbi Elyashiv Knohl

• The Orthodox Forum Series: Gender Relationships in Marriage and Out

• The Intimate Judaism podcast (with Rabbi Scott Kahn and therapist Talli Rosenbaum)

• My personal Google doc compilation of Resources on Sexuality in the Orthodox Jewish World (which includes links to Instagram accounts and Facebook groups as well)