In ‘The Bear,’ Season 2, Episode 1, Richie talks to Carmy. Carmy, for those who haven’t seen the show, is an incredible chef. He’s worked at the top restaurant in the country. He’s returned to the Chicago area because his brother died by suicide and left their family restaurant, The Original Beef of Chicagoland, to him. One of Carmy’s best friends, whom he refers to as “cousin,” is named Richie. Richie has been getting in the way of all the dealings in the restaurant, inserting himself where he’s not wanted. He’s also having a hard time with the fact that Carmy is changing up the way things are done at the place. Richie reflects, and he says:
Richie: Yo, you ever think about purpose?
Carmy: I love you, but I do not have time for this, alright? [Then he pauses, reevaluates, pulls out a cigarette.] I have time for this. Purpose.
Richie: What's my purpose, homie?
Carmy: [noticing something] Your shirt says "Original Berf."
Richie: It's a printing mistake. Collector's item. Yo, um, I'm trying really hard to be on board with all this new s—t, cousin. I'm, uh, I'm reading a lot. I'm trying to learn about who am I to my history. So in one of these books, there's this dude who's got... like, no skills, no personality, nothin'. All he does is watches trains.
Carmy: Watches trains do what?
Richie: Watches 'em be trains. And he's got this... group of friends that he's had since he's a little kid, you know, and they're all the s—t... and they're outgrowing him, like, one's like a sick athlete, one's a genius. This other one's nasty on the keys. Then, this other one, she's got, like, charisma like a m—-er. And one day, out of the blue, boom. They drop his —-. They just... cut that m——er off.
Carmy: Why do they do that?
Richie: 'Cause he's got no purpose.
Carmy: Okay, so, wh-what does he do?
Richie: I don't know. I haven't read that far. But I do know that I'm... forty-five. I've been here a long time. You feel me? I mean, you know what the f—k you're doing, you know. You love all this s—t. It's fun for you. I don't have that. I'm afraid one day, I'm gonna wake up and you guys are all just gonna cut... just drop this a-s.
Carmy: Richie, I'm not gonna drop this a—s-.
The reason this show works so well is because it’s about humanity. It’s about how we struggle, how we grieve, how we fall apart, how we cope, and how we grow. And I think this reflection is powerful.
What’s my purpose, homie?
I think about this a lot. It’s an important question.
Why am I here?
Is it to be a mom? Anyone can do that. (Yes, I know, not everyone can do it well. It takes a lot of work and effort to be an effective mom.)
Is it to be a teacher? There are days I feel like I’m doing well and making an impact and others where I am less sure.
Is there something else I haven’t done yet that I am meant to do? My guess is yes. I think it has to do with writing. I think I’m supposed to write a book. I still haven’t figured out what it’s meant to be about.
At the same time, I try to be content with who I am and what I’ve done. When I was taking classes on gifted education, my instructor stated multiple times that there’s a school of thought that believes that one is not gifted unless they grow up to be “eminent in their domain.” This stung, because I do not feel that I am that.
(Those close to me would likely interject here and tell me that my feelings are real but they are often not true.)
Nonetheless, I think it is difficult to say that the average high school teacher is “eminent in their domain.” Of course there are some- about whom movies are made- who create excellence. Their students do incredible research, win awards, and change the world.
I have not done that.
I know what I try to do but I rarely know whether I am successful. I try to help students achieve a relationship with God and their religion, not just read, memorize and spitback lots of text. I encourage creativity. As much as possible, I try to show students they can integrate disparate pieces of themselves to be one whole person. They shouldn’t be split between the Jew in the synagogue and the American teen at the movie theater- they should be one, consistent, compatible person. This is because every single aspect of one’s life, even the parts that people see as based in “low culture,” can, to my point of view, be elevated. There is always something to learn. It depends on the lens you are using.
I don’t feel like I have achieved my purpose. There’s something else I’m meant to do. It’s frustrating to feel this way because I know that, but I don’t know the steps to get there.
I’m also trying to do something that is incompatible with the idea of having this grand purpose. And that is to simply do things that bring me joy. For example, it would be a win if I wrote a book that simply brought me joy. Maybe a retelling of a fairy tale. It wouldn’t be grand. It wouldn’t change people’s lives. It wouldn’t win any awards. But it would make me happy.
It is difficult to believe that doing something that simply makes me happy is sufficient. If anything, perhaps I get to do the thing that makes me happy and then move on to the large, looming purpose I still feel like I’m meant to achieve.
I know I’ve been given gifts. And since I have them, I’m meant to use them. The question is how.
What’s my purpose, homie? How do I achieve it? How do I know when it’s done?
God only knows. If I try hard enough, maybe I’ll live my way into the answer.