I am not a surrendered wife.
But I’ve been told I should be.
I read Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt’s new article, “How a Polarizing Best-Seller Became Required Reading for Orthodox Jewish Women,” published April 25, with interest. In it, she discusses how The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace by Laura Doyle, has infiltrated Orthodox Jewish circles.
As Avital writes
In the controversial 2001 best seller, the American author Laura Doyle argues that the key to a happy marriage is a wife relinquishing control and allowing her husband to handle all decision making, including household finances, a lifestyle that is rooted in conservative biblical principles. “When you surrender to your husband, you accept that a supreme being is looking after you both,” reads one passage. “The more you admire your husband’s magnificence and how everything about him is just as it should be, the more you will feel God’s presence.” Though these tenets are rooted less in Jewish textual traditions than in the New Testament and in fundamentalist-Christian notions of wifely submission, they have seeped into the Orthodox community over the past two decades.
For example
One of the most popular proponents of reframing Doyle’s work for Orthodox Jewish audiences is the American-born, Jerusalem-based author Sara Yoheved Rigler, who in 2013 created the “Kesher Wife Workshop”—a virtual seminar series that she has described as offering “basic ideas from The Surrendered Wife amplified by the Torah.” Rigler has said that she has given this workshop to 2,000 Jewish women internationally. On a popular Orthodox podcast last year, she spoke about reframing dissatisfaction with one’s husband as heaven-sent. “This is from Hashem,” she tells her students, using the Hebrew word for God. “It’s not from my husband. I’m going to stop blaming my husband, criticizing my husband, because everything that happens to me is from Hashem.” That perspective, she suggested, “takes the sting out of it.”
Never one to take someone’s word for it, I read The Surrendered Wife in full yesterday. It’s problematic, especially because it provides a fertile breeding ground for domestic abuse and domestic violence. These are topics that have concerned me for a long time, ever since I read Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski’s groundbreaking book (published in 1996) The Shame Borne in Silence: Spouse Abuse in the Jewish Community. I wrote about this topic in The Observer when I was at Stern, I teach about domestic violence, have written articles about domestic violence and directly know five women who have been impacted by domestic violence. These women have experienced everything from financial control to slurs, swear words and verbal intimidation to beatings, broken ribs and rape. And their husbands look- on the outside- like upstanding members of the Jewish community.
Here are excerpts from The Surrendered Wife that help lay the groundwork for domestic abuse. Note that she prefaces the section I’m about to quote by saying that one should not surrender when your husband has “an active addiction, such as alcoholism or gambling, are chronically unfaithful or physically abusive” (92). Note that she does not include any other type of abuse here, which is extremely problematic. I’ll explain why later in this post.
Financial Surrender
Doyle begins
Giving up control of the money is scary because often we see money as giving up security. If there’s enough money- and we know where it is- we can assure ourselves that we will always be comfortable, that we can handle any emergency, that we can pay for any services- whether it’s a haircut or a divorce attorney. So, what happens when you give up control of the finances? You are in the most vulnerable position of all because you now have to depend on your husband to keep you safe and comfortable. The result? You will have to trust him with all your might.
-page 91
Then she continues
If you’re thinking it’s about time you threw out this book right about now, take a deep breath and keep reading. If you’re afraid of feeling powerless over your own hard-earned income, keep in mind that control is not the same as power. You are still going to have the same spending power you’ve always had- without the hassle of doing the bookkeeping. You’ll simply tell your husband what you need. No more calling the bank, balancing statements, or fretting about unexpected expenses. That’s less stress, not less power.
-page 92
Doyle suggests that you make a spending plan and
Tell your husband that you want your spending plan money in cash.
He may give you a certain amount weekly, monthly or on paydays. There are two key benefits to doing this. One, you’ll never need to use a credit card, ATM card or checkbook to pay for anything. Without these so-called “conveniences,” it’s harder to spend more than you have and easier to figure out what the heck happened on the monthly statement. Two, it’s a very powerful feeling to have all that money in your possession.
-page 99
Whatever You Think
Instead, say with as much kindness and sincerity as you can muster, “Whatever you think,” when he is telling you his ideas. For instance, if he comes up with a nutty thought that he should change jobs and this strikes terror in your heart, you say, “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the kids should learn how to ski and this sounds dangerous to you, say “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the two of you should go out to dinner and you think you should save money and eat at home, say “Whatever you think.” Of course, this phrase implies that you agree with whatever he thinks. Which means you’re going to end up agreeing to a lot of things you never would have before. It’s not as dangerous as it sounds. All you’re really doing is allowing your man to be himself.
Sometimes your husband’s ideas will materialize and sometimes they won’t. But if you trust him and respect his ideas rather than trying to control what actually comes to fruition, I guarantee that you will be one step closer to fostering intimacy with your husband. He may lose money. He may make you late. The kids might get bruised knees. He may make a mess or lose his job or let the bills go so long that the water gets turned off. None of those situations is permanent. None of them is life-threatening and all of them are part of being human. They can certainly put a strain on your marriage- but they don’t have to. You have the power to choose whether you fight about something for days or laugh about it for years.
-minute 18:00-19:51 in the audiobook version
I had a lot of fun with this yesterday walking around the house acting like a Stepford wife and telling my husband, “Whatever you think” to whatever he said. (He laughed and joked that he could get used to this.) If you like your women docile, compliant, spineless and deferential, this is a great recipe for life. It reminds me of the robot sex doll companions touted in dystopian novels and shows like Black Mirror. Luckily, it’s not what many men want in their marriages.
Life is a Rescue Fantasy/ Make Him the Hero
A surrendered wife is quick to ask for help and she does it in a way that makes the man feel necessary and needed. This is entirely different from barking orders. For example, a controlling wife says “Why don’t you carry our toddler to the house?” A surrendered wife says, “I can’t carry him. I need the help of a big strong man.”
A controlling wife says, “You try paying the bills around here. It’s not easy.” A surrendered wife says, “Paying the bills is making me nuts. I can’t do it anymore.”
You may wonder if this approach will actually work with your husband. Remember that men generally want to help their wives and give them gifts. They like to be the hero if we will give them the chance.
-audiobook minute 52:40 onward
As a kid, my favorite fairy tale was Hansel and Gretel. You know why? Because Gretel rescues herself. She pushes the Witch into the oven, burns her alive, and then sets Hansel free. It’s still my favorite fairy tale, and it’s a metaphor for life. Your partner should be there to help you grow and help you stand on your own. He should not be there to rescue you because you are too witless, hapless, inept or incapable to do things by yourself. Doyle ought to listen to ‘Cinderella’ by The Cheetah Girls.
Vulnerability= Dependence
Doyle uses the word “vulnerability” as a stand-in for “dependence.” She believes that the more vulnerable a wife is, which in her book equals dependent, the more her husband will desire her. For Doyle, there are two extremes- the nagging wife who criticizes, undercuts and undermines such that one’s husband is reminded of his own mother, an unsexy image, and thus he won’t want to sleep with her. Alternatively, there is the “soft, delicate” and “feminine” woman that you want to be- a woman who literally quiets her voice when her husband says something cruel to her. This woman should only say “Ouch” when her husband says something cutting, then leave the room so that he can sit with his cruelty and grow to repent it on his own.
(Also, a wife should never ask her husband about his feelings- she equates it to asking a woman about her weight, at best uncomfortable and at worst humiliating.)
Read the following excerpt, then replace it with the word “dependent.” I’ll wait.
From page 23
When I was choosing to control over allowing myself to be vulnerable, I was doing so at the expense of intimacy. What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites. If I want one, I can’t have the other. Without being vulnerable, I can’t have intimacy. Without intimacy, there can be no romance or emotional connection. When I am vulnerable with my husband, the intimacy, passion and devotion seem to flow naturally.
Today I try to relinquish control as much as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable. Unfortunately, I still can’t do this perfectly, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Just making intimacy my priority- rather than control- by practicing the principles described in this book has transformed my marriage into a passionate, romantic union.
Here’s my edit using the word “dependent.”
When I was choosing to control over allowing myself to be dependent, I was doing so at the expense of intimacy. What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites. If I want one, I can’t have the other. Without being dependent, I can’t have intimacy. Without intimacy, there can be no romance or emotional connection. When I am dependent on my husband, the intimacy, passion and devotion seem to flow naturally.
Today I try to relinquish control as much as I can and allow myself to be dependent. Unfortunately, I still can’t do this perfectly, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Just making intimacy my priority- rather than control- by practicing the principles described in this book has transformed my marriage into a passionate, romantic union.
Abuse is much more complicated than Doyle understands. It manifests itself in many forms, and physical abuse is just one of them. Additionally, physical abuse is often the last stage in a long drama that includes emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial control before the man ever becomes violent enough to harm his wife. (Note that this depends on the type of individual; some are physically abusive early on in the relationship.) Below is the Power & Control Wheel (you can view an enlarged version here), which provides some examples of the different forms abuse can take. There’s another wheel you can view here focused on the Jewish community specifically.
Why Men Abuse Women
The Bible on IPV (intimate partner violence), otherwise known as domestic violence, is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Yes, there are some women who abuse men as well, but statistically the rates are far lower. One does find men abusing men and women abusing women in the LGBT community as well, and Bancroft addresses that. You need to read the book in its entirety. I am only going to discuss this in broad strokes.
Here is a critical piece.
Abuse is about power and control.
And
An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at your mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically, half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”
The unspoken remainder of the statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable.
-pages 34-35
Similarly
When one of my clients says to me, “I exploded,” or “I just lost it,” I ask him to go step by step in his mind through the moments leading up to his abusive behavior. I ask, “Did you really ‘just explode',’ or did you actually decide at one point to give yourself the green light? Wasn’t there a moment where you decided you ‘had had enough’ or ‘you weren’t going to take it anymore’ and at that instant you gave yourself permission, setting yourself free to do what you felt like doing?” Then I see a flicker of recognition cross my client’s eyes, and usually he admits that there is indeed a moment at which he turns himself loose to begin the horror show.
Even the physically violent abuser shows self-control. The moment police pull up in front of the house, for example, he usually calms down immediately, and when the officers enter, he speaks to them in a friendly and reasonable tone. Police almost never find a fight in progress by the time they get in the door. Ty, a physical batterer who now counsels other men, describes in a training video how he would snap out of a rage when the police pulled up in front of the house and would sweet-talk the police, “telling them what she had done. Then they would look at her, and she’d be the one who was totally out of control, because I had just degraded her and put her in fear. I’d say to the police, “See, it isn’t me.” Ty managed to escape arrest repeatedly with his calm demeanor and claims of self defense.
-pages 36-37
In heterosexual relationships, it’s typically men that abuse women. Bancroft explains
There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare.
[…]
In their efforts to adopt victim status, my clients try to exaggerate their partners’ verbal power: “Sure, I can win a physical fight, but she is much better with her mouth than I am, so I’d say it balances out.” (One very violent man said in his group session, “She stabs me through the heart with her words,” to justify the fact that he had stabbed his partner in the chest with a knife.) But abuse is not a battle that you win by being better at expressing yourself. You win it by being better at sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around backward, and using other tactics of control- an arena in which my clients win hands down over their partners, just as they do in a violent altercation. Who can beat an abuser at his own game?
-pages 45-46
So why do abusive men hurt women? It has to do with the man’s attitudes and beliefs- and the fact that he gives himself permission to “take action on the basis of his beliefs” (52).
An abusive man “often considers it his right to control where his partner goes, with whom she associates, what she wears, and when she needs to be back home,” such that she should be “grateful for any freedom that he does choose to grant her” (52). Similarly, the abusive man “typically considers himself the authority on parenting” (53) and his control is in his partner’s best interests. He believes that he “has a special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner” (55). An abusive man’s view of his partner and children’s rights is diminished- while his own rights are “greatly inflated” (55). Often, these men require the women they are with to take care of them emotionally, physically and/or sexually.
It’s important to understand that an abusive man doesn’t have a problem with his anger but rather with your anger.
No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you- as will happen to any abused woman from time to time- he is likely to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. […] He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than your own. In this way he ensures that he retains the exclusive right to be the one who shows anger.
-page 60
The marriage outline provided by The Surrendered Wife is one that provides fertile soil for abuse and domestic violence. A man who has any tendencies towards power and control may already be gaslighting or manipulating his wife and suggesting she ought to trust his judgment in all matters. Along comes this book and reiterates this concept, telling the woman she ought to say “Whatever you think” to anything the husband suggests, defer to his viewpoint on finances (and allow him to control them entirely) and be content with whatever cash he chooses to dole out to her, and that she must flatter his ego at all times by telling him what a big, strong, capable man he is. She is simply supposed to trust him and let go and let God, an approach that can cause her harm. The fact that the man is not physically violent with his wife is not the point. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial control and the like are all bad enough on their own.
Is it Assimilation?
The one place where I part ways with Avital is when it comes to her suggestion that The Surrendered Wife is a work of Christian fundamentalism that has made inroads into Judaism. That may well be, but many of the problematic concepts espoused in this book exist within Judaism as well. We do ourselves no favors if we negate them or pretend them out of existence. Rather, we must face them head on and deal with them. This is especially important when we are talking about Orthodox Jewish men- as they typically have much more access to texts, sources and scholarship than the women they marry. These men are able to control their wives through using religion and religious texts.
I’ll never forget when I went on a date and was told by the man I was dating that he would reserve the right to be in charge of all spiritual and halakhic decisions in his household, down to where his children would go to school. He believed this was his domain and that his wife’s opinion did not rate. I spoke to the rabbi who set us up and that rabbi told me this was straight out of the Gemara. See Bava Metziah 59a.
ואמר רב כל ההולך בעצת אשתו נופל בגיהנם שנאמר (מלכים א כא, כה) רק לא היה כאחאב וגו' א"ל רב פפא לאביי והא אמרי אינשי איתתך גוצא גחין ותלחוש לה לא קשיא הא במילי דעלמא והא במילי דביתא לישנא אחרינא הא במילי דשמיא והא במילי דעלמא
And Rav says: Nevertheless, anyone who follows the counsel of his wife descends into Gehenna, as it is stated: “But there was none like Ahab, who did give himself over to do that which was evil in the sight of the Lord, whom Jezebel his wife incited” (I Kings 21:25). Rav Pappa said to Abaye: But don’t people say a popular proverb: If your wife is short, stoop and whisper to her and consult with her? The Gemara answers: This is not difficult, as this statement of Rav instructs that one not follow her counsel in general matters; and that proverb instructs that one follow her counsel in household matters. The Gemara presents another version of this distinction: This statement of Rav maintains that one should not follow her counsel in divine matters; and that proverb maintains that one should follow her counsel in general matters.
Or we could go back to the curse of Eve, where she is told that her desire will be for her husband and he will rule over her. Check out Radak here.
והוא ימשול בך, לצות עליך מה שירצה כאדון על עבד.
And he shall rule over you- To command you regarding what he wants like a master to a slave
There’s the Yalkut Shimoni
אשה כשרה היתה ועושה רצון בעלה מכאן אמרו אין לך אשה כשרה בנשים אלא אשה שהיא עושה רצון בעלה:
A proper Jewish wife is one who follows the will of her husband and to do his bidding
Then there’s the Abarbanel on Genesis 1:27-
ואין כן באדם כי עקר הבריאה הוא בזכר והוא אשר היה לבדו אשר נברא בצלם אלהים וכמו שאמר בלשון יחיד בצלם אלהים ברא אותו לפי שהוא היה מי שיראה תעלומות חכמה לא הנקבה שאין חכמתה אלא בפלך.
It’s not so- because the essence of creation is the male and he alone was created in the image of God and that’s why it’s written in the singular form- “in the image of God He created Him”- because he (the male) was created and would see mysteries of wisdom, not so the female who has no wisdom except in the spindle. (Thanks, Yair, for the translation help.)
You can also trace the role of wifebeating in Jewish tradition- I got the above source from the linked piece.
Then there’s Career of Happiness: True Joy in the Home by Rabbi Avigdor Miller, which contains the following:
Maintain Your Appearance
Another one of the ten commandments is especially for women, but also for men to some extent. Women must make it their business never to look slovenly in the house. They should always look good, smell good, and not talk too much.
How important it is to maintain your appearance in the presence of your husband. If you open your mouth and talk and talk and talk and talk, it is disgusting to your husband. If he is a good husband he keeps quiet, but you are selling yourself down the river by your wagging tongue. You are making yourself cheap by endlessly “hakin a tsheinik,” talking and talking. You are advertising that there is nothing in your head at all. How wonderful it is when a person is able to close the dam of conversation. Stop talking! I am not saying you should not talk at all but endless talking ruins your image in the presence of your partner. Sometimes a man talks too much. It is also a very great blot on his reputation in the eyes of his wife.
Women should always make it their business to appear as beautiful as they can to their husbands.
-pages 140-141
To be fair, at least Rabbi Miller informs men “you have no right to be arrogant” and “he did not marry her to make her a slave” (142).
Rabbi Miller does not appear to understand domestic abuse or the need for a woman to be protected. He says a woman should never lock her husband out of her home, even when she has a court order to do so, and this is a “rishus (wickedness) that is almost unequalled.” He writes “I am afraid to say it, but I do not think she has a share in Olam Haba, because she drove a man out of his house” (147). (I will judge favorably and assume domestic violence was simply not well understood in 2000, when the book was published).
Then there’s The River, The Kettle and the Bird by Rav Aharon Feldman. (This was published in 1987). Here are a few excerpts
One of the areas in which this difference between men and women is most evident is in the study of Talmud. More so than in mathematics, most of Talmudic study involves topics and issues which are not immediately, if at all, applicable to everyday life. Although ultimately this study enables a student to apply Halacha to real-life situations, it is only after he invests years of full-time grappling with non-practical issues that he learns the Talmudic methodology and theory which makes this possible. Women who have become involved in Talmudic study generally find this at best unrewarding, and at worst boring: they tend to find it difficult to maintain the motivation to invest so much time in such an abstract occupation. A woman has an affinity to those areas of Torah study which affect real-life behavior and situations, rather than those areas which are primarily abstract.
This idea in itself could explain why women are exempt from the mitzvah of studying Torah. Without the natural motivation for understanding the theoretical, which becomes the catalyst for full-time and life-long dedication which Torah scholarship demands, there exists the possibility that the depths of the laws will be improperly understood and that inaccurate readings and interpretations of the law will result. Not the absence of intellectual ability, but the absence of a natural bent for theoretical abstractions exempts women from this study.
-pages 61-62
Then we are told
While men might not use the same method of thinking as their wives, they should appreciate that women have superior talent and efficiency in dealing with everyday life. The Sages say that one should always consult his wife in decisions dealing with “matters of this world.” Women’s unique intelligence gives them more efficient tools than men for the realistic, hands-on management of everyday crises. One reason is that a woman is more practically oriented and therefore is not as easily attracted by flights of fantasy. Another reason is that she is able to foresee the ultimate effects of any situation better than a man, and this makes her capable of insights which can often protect her family from unwise decisions.
-page 63
He then explains the famous phrase that women are daatan kalos- have a light intellect.
From the Sages’ application of this principle, it would seem that it means that women have a capacity to move from one activity or idea to another with more ease than men, while men tend to be more focused upon, and involved in, a single, specific idea or activity which interests them. Concentration and involvement are a function of the aspect of intelligence called daas. Women’s “lighter” daas means that their daas can more easily move from one area of concentration to another, just as a lighter object can be moved more easily than a heavy one.
-page 64
Shakespeare notes
“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
Judaism contains many ideas within it. (Check out this useful Sefaria sheet entitled ‘Torah’s Perspective of Husband and Wife’ by Mordechai Lewis just to look at a multiplicity of views regarding the relationship between the spouses.) The question becomes: which ones do we embrace in today’s day and age?
There are a lot of pieces that need to be dealt with before we can come to a clear conclusion regarding that. What kind of source is being quoted? Was the commentator influenced by their time period or the milieu in which they lived- and if yes, does that mean their view is no longer appropriate for today? Is the text a halakhic text or an aggadic text, as these may carry different weight? What role does “the new and controlling role that texts now play in contemporary religious life” (see Haym Soloveitchik’s ‘Rupture and Reconstruction’) have? Under what circumstances can we reject a text, or source, or at least say that we will not use it as a guidepost in our marriage or relationship?
The difficulty is this- Orthodox Jewish men typically have far more access to, training in, and facility with texts than Orthodox Jewish women. If a man so chooses, he can enslave his wife and use religious texts to support his every move. Hopefully, a woman (or the couple) has a rabbi to whom she can turn to discuss what her husband claims is true- otherwise she is at a severe disadvantage.
I think the way forward is to provide clarity on the multiplicity of views in Judaism and the fact that we can often choose our path from within those views. Yes, the views I’ve quoted exist- but so do other, more palatable options.
I also think we need more textually literate and learned women. A woman cannot be controlled by religious texts when she can cite or quote other texts that disagree with the one presented to her as a fait accompli or ultimatum. A woman will not fall prey to the model presented in The Surrendered Wife when she can offer counter-arguments or role models of strong Jewish women she takes as her example. For example, she could reference the wife of On Ben-Pelet, who saved his life with her initiative and forward behavior, or Yael, who slaughtered Sisra even though her husband had a peace treaty with his king.
The women I know are not airheaded bimbos. They are thoughtful, curious and capable. To borrow a line from a movie I didn’t watch, as Jews we are all “descended from those who wrestle angels and fight giants. We were chosen by God.” So let’s make a world where all of us- women included- have dignity, value and worth. Where we all have a say in our domestic lives. Where we don’t need to soothe or placate our husband’s ego by handing all financial control to him, always being delicate and demure in our intimate lives, pretending to be a damsel in distress, or believing he is entitled to make every single spiritual or halakhic decision without our input. Let’s build a world where learned women are not a threat but rather, something to be celebrated.
Excellent post, thank you.
Thank you for your thorough analysis. I stumbled across Laura Doyle’s resources when looking for help in my marriage. I really liked all she had to say in her podcast. When I saw the title of Surrendered Wife, I froze. What is this?? I had tried to be a “good” wife in my first marriage and was emotionally and verbally abused.
Then I saw she had written a newer book, Empowered Wife. I decided to give it a try. I think that since 20 years has passed, she has listened to critics and updated it based on seeing what work in marriages. It’s really good. My current husband is on the fence of abusive and controlling, but when I use the techniques (respect, listening, self-care, etc) he instantly transforms back into the kind, funny man I fell in love with. When he throws an”tantrum”, I don’t support it. I leave the room or just say “I hear you.” It’s an invitation to fight that I’m not accepting.
She also has talked about how to have boundaries. Saying, “I can’t do that” when asked to do something and saying “I’d love to ___” when expressing a desire. So far, every thing I’ve said has happened. A husband who never took out the trash or did dishes is now helping in the kitchen.
I agree that she needs to address physical abuse, but as far as negativity and controlling, us as women can negate that by being respectful and not allowing his feelings to affect you. Staying on your side of the street. His anger is his. You make YOU happy with self care.