Over Shavuot, I read the book Gateway to Happiness by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Many of the ideas within align with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)- especially the focus on reframing one’s perspective on life events. Other ideas connect to Seligman’s views on positive psychology, especially his research on the importance of gratitude. I was able to appreciate the wisdom in this book in a way I could not have back when I was in high school.
I have two theories as to why this was so. The first revolves around how mussar [ethics, self-improvement] was taught back when I was in high school. The second is the kind of person I was at that particular time in my life.
My memories regarding how mussar was taught was that it largely existed to shove me down. I constantly had a feeling of being not good enough. We were explicitly told we would never be able to live up to being as good as this or that’s Gadol HaDor’s [leader of the generation’s] or Rosh Yeshiva’s [head of an elite Jewish academy’s] pinky. We were also given messages as to how this or that rabbinic leader lived in a bare apartment without any furniture. The message we were supposed to take from this was that this is what we should aspire to want. Well, I wasn’t that kind of person. I didn’t want to live in a bare apartment with a single lightbulb.
And here’s the thing about being a teenager receiving this kind of messaging- I did not enjoy thinking of myself as a bad person. Therefore, I would push back on these messages. I didn’t want to be found lacking and judged in accordance to these rules; therefore, I rejected them. I decided that anything that had to do with mussar- and there was a lot, since we were taught Mesilas Yesharim by the Ramchal and Sichos Mussar by Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz- was something I was going to tune out, if not actively fight against. This was a defense mechanism.
But I don’t think I was the only one who reacted this way. I think it had to do with being a teenager in general. As teenage girls, we were young and fragile and trying to figure out who we were and what we stood for. It was a time for growth. And what I craved was positivity. Positive messaging, a place of holistic acceptance, where people would not look at humans and see all of their basest traits and thus the need to overcome them, but our innocence, our beauty, the wonder in us. Much later on, I found that- it’s no surprise that my favorite place was the art room at the school I switched to, with the kind and accepting Mr. Arnor Bieltvedt as my teacher. But I digress.
I think to learn mussar you need to have a secure sense of self. You have to be strong enough to know yourself, to understand who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are. I was simply not there as a high schooler. But now, in my thirties, I can read this book and be a filter, not a sponge. I can accept the messages that are helpful to me and tune out the ones that are not. The words I’m reading don’t feel like barbed wire, a dramatic staccato beat of “not good enough, not good enough” tapping against my skin. Instead, I can take them in the way they are intended.
And this leads me to think that mussar, just like many Jewish topics, is something people need to learn when they are developmentally ready. I think there is a way to teach mussar that is positive, focused on human potential and how we can all grow and develop our characters, even in high school. But it would need to be taught by people who make clear that they love you, don’t judge you and have your best interests at heart. That they are teaching you this because it has helped them grow, and thus the way they frame it is about the lessons they have learned from it, and not how you are defective or less-than. I think this is the best way to teach- where you are inviting others to come see the things that have excited you, that have helped you, in an effort to let them partake as well- if it’s useful to them. At the same time, you need to recognize not everything that moves you will move them, and that’s as it should be.
I’m also going to offer a disclaimer. I do not think this is the book to read when one is in the throes of tremendous suffering or dealing with a clinical illness- like clinical depression. Everything has its season; this would not be the right season for you to read this book.
Here are some of the ideas that resonated with me.
Seek happiness in a way that depends only on yourself. We see this concept in the Mishnah (Pirke Avos 4:1) which states that the wise man is one who learns from everyone (independent of any intellectual deficiences in himself); the honorable person is one who honors others (independent of whether others honor him); the wealthy person is one who is satisfied with what he has (independent of how much or little he owns). This Mishnah clearly teaches us not to seek or demand happiness via factors dependent on anything external to us (Daas Chochmah Umussar, vol. 3, p 250).
Base your happiness on your own attitudes, and you can be its master. If you tell yourself that you can only be happy if others do or say what you wish, your happiness is under the control of other people. You can never have a guarantee how others will behave. Even when they do behave as you wish, you are likely to feel uneasy about how they might behave in the future.
[…]
There are definitely external situations which are conducive to happiness: good health, a good marriage, a large number of close friends and relatives, wealth, fame and honor. But none of these can guarantee happiness. Some wealthy and healthy people are nevertheless depressed. Conversely, some poor and sickly people manage to be consistently cheerful. Once you accept the responsibility for making yourself happy independent of good or bad fortune, you will be determined to work on your thought patterns instead of chasing illusions.
-page 29
I would like to note that I have seen this in real life- both through reading posts on Humans of New York that depict such stories, and through talking with my Uber drivers. Many of them are refugees and immigrants from other countries; they are so happy to have the opportunity to work in America. They often have humble goals and work hard to achieve them. It’s a pleasure to learn from their mindset.
Far too often we judge happiness according to outward appearances and accustom ourselves and our children to overestimate the value of material acquisitions. Happiness is by no means determined by this kind of wealth. In fact, as such acquisitions become everyday needs, they lose their value. On the other hand, if they must one day be relinquished, our senses, which have become used to those superficialities, feel sorely deprived. No man should be rated according to the quantity of his material acquisitions or his status in society. (From the Wisdom of Mishle, p. 144)
-page 32
Another way of saying this is that we cannot bring our wealth with us to the grave! Especially in today’s day and age of constant social media use- especially on Instagram- this point cannot be overstated. So many people make themselves sad by comparing the things they have to others. They focus on someone else’s weight, or how beautiful their home is, or the designer clothes they wear. But why? There’s research that shows that all this does is cause people to become melancholy by imagining everyone else has a bigger, more beautiful, more exciting life than they have.
When you’re a teacher- or anyone in a helping profession- you learn this simply isn’t true. Everyone is struggling. Everyone. Sometimes it’s obvious, because someone lacks material wealth. But other times, the struggles are hidden. Someone is dealing with a parent who has a personality disorder. Or they themselves are living with mental illness. A loved one has cancer. Or they are estranged from their family members. The list goes on. Nothing is ever as simple as it looks on Instagram.
Related to the above,
One who enjoys what he has, regardless of whether he has a lot or a little, will be as if he constantly attends parties. He will always be in a good mood. Conversely, a person who keeps focusing on what others have and what he is missing suffers constantly. (Mishle 15:15, Metzudas Dovid)
-page 37
Then there’s this piece which is important for us as parents.
Our negative attitudes are learned. This places a major responsibility on adults, especially parents, to be careful about the attitudes they express. One person told me that as a child a number of adults told him how lucky he is that he is still a child since adults have many problems. He grew up with an attitude that being an adult is painful and he has had an extremely hard time trying to overcome it. Whatever your attitude towards life and events, you automatically serve as a model for others. By having attitudes conducive to happiness, you influence others to be happy.
-page 71
I liked this perspective on self image.
Some people think that since one’s self-image is largely based on his early upbringing (how his parents, teachers and friends treated him when he was young), they therefore can dod little to change their self-image. But this is wrong. It is true that our self-image is based largely on our past. But what counts is how we judge ourselves in the present. Regardless of how we were considered by others, we have the ability to change our own attitudes towards ourselves. Imagine a monarch’s young son was captured by bandits and raised by them. They treated him as a lowly servant and that is how he viewed himself. At the age of twenty-five he was returned to his father the king. His attitude towards himself will be transformed almost immediately. The prince now realizes that his original view of himself was based on a mistaken notion and he will now view himself as a member of royalty. That is the Torah evaluation of man. Every person is created in the image of his Creator. We are all noblemen and should view ourselves accordingly. Lowly self-images are based on mistaken notions and we all have the ability to change those notions if we choose.
-page 119
And found this idea on guilt helpful.
Feeling guilty is the lazy way of reacting. A person resigns himself to keeping his faults and does not try to take action to improve. Don’t use guilt feelings to justify laziness and procrastination. If a person tends to think in terms of guilt, when he hears an idea he will say to himself, “How awful it is that I’m not following this idea.” It is more productive to keep your focus on what you can do to implement the concept.
The Chofetz Chayim used to say, “We have an obligation to do tshuvah (repentance). First a person has to clarify what is the essence of tshuvah. It consists of improving ourselves. Each person is expected to make the utmost use of his abilities according to his unique situation.” (Michtevei Chofetz Chayim, p.40).
-page 222
There’s so much more of value in this book, but I am not going to include it all. I really liked his KNOW YOURSELF list on page 393. I think it would make a great date night questionnaire (even better if you first try to answer the question for your partner, and then see whether s/he would answer the same way. Either you end up finding out you know your partner well, or you end up learning things about them you didn’t before, so it’s a win-win!)
KNOW YOURSELF
Self-knowledge is a lifetime process. Below are some questions that can help you in this process.
What motivates you?
When do you feel good?
When do you feel sad or upset?
When do you feel frustrated or angry?
What are your main goals: immediate and long range? What are you doing to reach those goals?
What are your five best qualities?
What are your five worst faults?
What is your ideal self? If there were no obstacles in your way, how would you like to be?
How do you react to difficult or frustrating situations? Do you tend to give up or are you motivated to try harder?
What are some of the difficulties you find in dealing with other people? What can you do about overcoming those difficulties?
What are your greatest fears?
Are your thoughts mainly in the present, past or future?
What do you seek approval for?
What do you envy in others?
To what degree are you a “giver” and to what degree a “taker?”
Would you consider yourself a happy person? Why?
Do you usually or rarely have peace of mind? Why?
What do you consider the main problems in your life? What are you doing about them?