Recently, the FBI provided a final update on the case of Gabby Petito & Brian Laundrie.
In going over the timeline of the case, the FBI noted,
Upon further search of the area, investigators found human remains later confirmed to be Mr. Laundrie, along with a backpack, notebook, and a revolver. A review of the notebook revealed written statements by Mr. Laundrie claiming responsibility for Ms. Petito’s death.
On the one hand, this is awful. On the other hand, it provides a sense of closure. Laundrie’s parents will not have to spend their lives wondering if maybe, just maybe, their son was maligned, his name smeared, his good reputation ruined - if there was some other possibility as to what happened to Gabby.
And this matters. Let me tell you why.
When the story of Gabby Petito & Brian Laundrie first broke, everyone became an armchair detective. Everyone was certain Laundrie had done it. And there was reason for that- typically, in domestic violence cases, it’s the intimate partner who hurts the other. But there was a certain glee rather than horror in Laundrie’s downfall.
And I? I never want to believe this.
Look at a child’s face. It is pure, holy, innocent. That child is filled with potential. He can become anyone.
You never want to think he will grow up to hurt someone, let alone to hurt his wife, fiancee or girlfriend.
So I came up with tortured explanations. They became more and more contrived as more video footage emerged, including Laundrie’s interaction with police and the various 911 calls. Finally, I resolved, Laundrie had done something. He had gotten angry, he had exploded, he had fought with her and then he had done what he had originally threatened- he had left her in a campground and drove off in their shared van.
It would be horrible, yes. But not as horrible as the alternative. That he killed her.
Of course, that’s not how the story ended. Because it’s not how these stories usually end. Laundrie did kill her, did leave her for dead, did send texts between her phone and his to make it look like she was still alive, but he couldn’t live with the guilt. Or perhaps, he couldn’t live with the realization that he would be caught. So he went off into the reservation, confessed in his notebook and shot himself.
People say he deserved what he got, and I understand that impulse, I really do.
But I wonder about the backstory.
Did he learn his attitudes, behaviors and treatment towards women at his father’s knee? Did he grow up in a household where this was modeled, this was normal, and so he imbibed it with his mother’s milk?
Worse, did his parents never raise him to be like this? Imagine his father, facing a mob of reporters, a grieving, mourning family, a world that hates his son. The son he loves. The son he’s always going to love.
And he knows- he does- his son has done an unforgivable thing. He understands the vitriol being heaped on him.
But he remembers his son as a child. He remembers his gap-toothed smile, his first word, his love of nature. He knows him as more than the man who killed a woman. So his heart breaks. It’s torn out of his chest, stomped on, then thrown into a blender and pulverized.
And there are so many questions.
“What should I have done differently? Could I have prevented this? Am I wrong to still love him?”
(He can’t help but love him.)
The world is not made up of heroes and villains.
The world is made up of people in tortured shades of gray.
And when they become this, these people they should never have become, the correct response of the world at large is not glee and schadenfreude. It is to mourn. Bitterly.
To feel agonized. Confused. Betrayed. And sad.
To want a world where this never happens again- not to women, of course, but also, not to the men who hurt those women.
I want a world where men never become this, and so women are never hurt.
So should you.
(This is ‘Musings with Chana,’ my newsletter for items that don’t belong in ‘Parsha with Chana.’ ‘Parsha with Chana’ is a weekly publication, while ‘Musings with Chana’ will appear more frequently. If you would like to unsubscribe because you prefer to only receive the weekly newsletter, please feel free to do so by clicking the unsubscribe button below.)
You express yourself well, and what you say is true. I would like to add though that we should also want a world where women stop being so careless of their safety. A world where women value themselves appropriately, and form relationships carefully. Am I saying it was Miss Petito's fault? Only short-sighted and reactionary would only think this, because in a society that immerses itself in a false sense of security, we are all made more vulnerable. Women, in becoming so "independent", have to learn the same lessons every adult-male or female-must learn as part of becoming mature. The world always has been, and always will be, a scary place. There are wonders, joy, love, etc., etc.-sure. But facing reality is what helps you protect those things that mean so much to you, including your own self. The relationship between these two was known by both of them to have serious problems. Yet the drive off to deserted campgrounds when they couldn't even keep it together when surrounded by people-like when police were called and they had to spend a night apart. No one has the right to murder anyone, but we all have the responsibility not to put ourselves at risk. There will always be violent people out there-wishing them away won't work. We also have to do our part to take responsibility for ourselves.