Love of God as a Roadmap to Love One's Spouse
I missed my Dvar Torah for Parshat Ki Tavo, so this is me catching up.
As I was reading through the parsha, I was struck by Deuteronomy 26:17-18. The language reminded me of kiddushin, the marriage ceremony we perform today.
יזאֶת־יְהֹוָ֥ה הֶֽאֱמַ֖רְתָּ הַיּ֑וֹם לִֽהְיוֹת֩ לְךָ֨ לֵֽאלֹהִ֜ים וְלָלֶ֣כֶת בִּדְרָכָ֗יו וְלִשְׁמֹ֨ר חֻקָּ֧יו וּמִצְוֹתָ֛יו וּמִשְׁפָּטָ֖יו וְלִשְׁמֹ֥עַ בְּקֹלֽוֹ:18
17You have selected the Lord this day, to be your God, and to walk in His ways, and to observe His statutes, His commandments and His ordinances, and to obey Him.
יחוַֽיהֹוָ֞ה הֶֽאֱמִֽירְךָ֣ הַיּ֗וֹם לִֽהְי֥וֹת לוֹ֙ לְעַ֣ם סְגֻלָּ֔ה כַּֽאֲשֶׁ֖ר דִּבֶּר־לָ֑ךְ וְלִשְׁמֹ֖ר כָּל־מִצְוֹתָֽיו:
And the Lord has selected you this day to be His treasured people, as He spoke to you, and so that you shall observe all His commandments,
I was struck by Chabad’s choice of translation, and the use of the word “selected.” To select God means that there were other options, other choices, that one has foregone, and the same applies to God- He too had other choices, other options, that He has forsworn.
This reminded me of the marriage contract, because there too, especially nowadays when men only wed one wife, there are many options until one makes one’s choice- and then there is only one person- the one whom you have selected- and it is to that one that you must be true.
I was struck as I read through the commentaries by the approach of Da’at Zekenim, because he upholds this exact reading.
את ה' האמרת היום להיות לך לאלוקים....וה' האמירך היום להיות לו לעם סגולה, “You have affirmed this day that the Lord is your G–d.....and the Lord has affirmed to you this day that you are His special people, etc.” Concerning the precise meaning of these two verses, we read the following in the Talmud tractate B’rachot, folio 6: “The Holy One blessed Be He said: “you have declared Me as unique in the universe, by declaring “hear o Lord the Lord our G–d the Lord is unique.” Therefore I have reciprocated by declaring you as a unique people for Me.” (Compare Chronicles 1 17,21: ומי כעמך ישרך גוי אחד בארץ, “and who is comparable to Your people Israel, a unique nation on earth.” An alternate interpretation of our two verses: The word האמרת, means: “an exchange of something.” G–d credits the Jewish people with having traded in any other deities in favour of the invisible Creator, Who had revealed Himself to them at Mount Sinai. In response to that act, the Creator traded all the other 70 nations on earth as His potential favourite, and chose us instead [emph mine.] This would be similar to what Moses said in Psalms 94,4 יתאמרו כל פועל און, “for how long will the ones mouthing falsehoods (against Israel) be allowed to get away with it?” Still another interpretation of these unusual verses: The word אמיר occurs in Isaiah 17,6, שנים שלשה גרגרים באמיר, “two or three berries on the topmost branch;” here we would have to understand the word האמרת as meaning that Israel had elevated the Lord G–d to the topmost branch, and the Lord responded by elevating the Jewish people to the highest ranking nation. The expression יתאמרו כל פועלי און, corresponds to the psalmist describing the wicked people describing themselves (reflexive mode) as the most advanced and important in the world.
Rashbam also views this as language pertaining to a betrothal.
את ה' האמרת היום, you have become as if betrothed to G’d Who had said “I will be your G’d,” for this is something which depends primarily on Him. He will be your Saviour as a result of your observing His commandments which you accepted.
Malbim takes it even farther.
ויש לומר שהוא לשון מאמר הנזכר בלשון המשנה ביבמה ועשה בה מאמר שפירושו שקדשה. ונקרא בשם קידושין כשאר קדושי אשה מפני שהיא כבר זקוקה לו
(This is an inexact translation). Some say that the reason the pasuk [verse] uses the word maamar is due to the way that is understood in the language of the Mishna in Yevamos when it states “And he will do with her a maamar which is interpreted to mean he sanctifies her [to be his wife]. And so it refers to kiddushin like the kiddushin of a woman because she was already betrothed to him.
What I like about the Malbim is that he also explains why this renewal of our vows, as it were, is necessary at this juncture. He explains what it is about this moment of time in Deuteronomy that necessitates having Bnei Yisrael recognize that they selected God and God selected them and they are bound in a romance that is as timeless as it is powerful.
Malbim clarifies there were three reasons that this renewal of vows was necessary.
Moses was about to die and there would be no prophet who would arise who would be as powerful as he was. Thus, it made sense to reaffirm our vows in his presence prior to his death.
So long as Bnei Yisrael wandered throughout the wilderness, they experienced open miracles. Manna rained down from heaven. Their clothing never wore out. Water flowed from rocks. Once they would enter the Land of Israel and began the wars of conquest, all this would change. They would be obliged to work the land and till the soil to make their crops grow and to find water through natural means. It was therefore important to reaffirm the covenant between God and the Israelites so they would understand it was binding even when their circumstances changed and even when God did not reveal Himself as openly as He had previously done.
God did not want future generations who had not personally slaved away in Egypt making bricks to arise and say, “That covenant only pertained to our ancestors, who were personally redeemed from that foul land, but not to us.” Thus, God reaffirmed the covenant with these men, men who had not personally engaged in slave labor, but were rather the members of the generation who grew up in the desert. In so doing, He demonstrated the covenant is binding and everlasting, even on those of us who did not experience the hardships of Egypt firsthand. And this time, even when these people were within reach of the Promised Land, and could easily attain it, even when the covenant was being reaffirmed without the sound, thunder and fury of Mt. Sinai, still they reaffirmed it. And so too us today, who keep the covenant without the crack of lighting and the shriek of thunder.
Then Malbim parses exactly what it was that we promised to do. He explains:
את ה' האמרת היום קדשת. להיות לך לאלהים שיהיה מנהיגך. וללכת בדרכיו שקבלתם על עצמכם לילך ולהתדבק בדרכיו שהם מדותיו מה הוא רחום וכו'. ולשמר חקיו המה הדברים שאין השכל מסכים להם. ומצותיו הדברים שיש בהם מעשה רב כענין הקרבנות וכדומה. ומשפטיו הם הדברים שגם השכל יסכים להם. ולא קבלת על עצמך מפני שהם ישרים מצד עצמם רק מפני שהם משפטי ה'. ולשמוע בקולו שגם אחרי מות משה ישמעו בקול נביא האמת (כמ"ש לעיל דשמיעת דברי הנביא נקרא קול ה'), וכל הקבלות האלו קבלת עליך היום אחרי ששמעת את כל החקים והמשפטים הלא תראה את תוקף החקים והמשפטים שאף ע"י הלמוד לבד תתפעל הנפש בהתפעלות שאין למעלה ממנו. ולכן צריך אתה לדעת שתעשם במסירת נפשך:
(This is my inexact paraphrase.) We have selected God today. We have sanctified Him (as though in marriage.) To be for you a God. That He will be Your Ruler/ Leader. And to walk in His ways. That you accept on yourselves to cling to His ways which refers to His attributes- for example, just as He is merciful, so too should you be merciful. And to follow his chukot. These are the matters where our intellect/ reason does not understand them. And His mitzvot. These are the matters that have many particulars like the topic of sacrifices. And his laws. These are the items where the intellect/ reason does agree with you. And you do not accept them upon yourselves because they are proper on their own merit but rather because God said you ought. And to listen to His voice. That even after Moses died, you will listen to the voice of a true prophet and all of the matters you have accepted upon yourselves today- that you would listen to God’s laws and mishpatim. And you will study them and your soul will be uplifted through that study. And therefore you must know that you will do them with mesiras nefesh- the willingness to surrender your soul.
I thought this was gorgeous.
When it’s one’s wedding day, one is filled with hopes and dreams and wishes about how it will all work out. The bride is dressed in her exquisite white gown, the groom in his finery. The couple joins together filled with hope and elation and excitement. But then life happens. There are moments of incomparable ecstasy and moments of sadness, dullness, boredom or despair. The couple goes through rough patches- because who doesn’t? But there comes a point- in quiet moments- without the fanfare of a wedding, a band, a reception and hundreds of guests invited to witness- where the couple reaffirms their love to one another. They pledge to continue to be loyal to one another, to help each other and to grow together.
Couples, too, end up accepting chukim upon themselves based on the other one’s preferences. “I don’t know why this is so important to him, but it is, so I will do it this way,” a wife may think. Or, “I can’t see any difference between this brand and that brand of barley, but she only wants me to buy this brand, so I will do it for her,” the husband decides. A good marriage has aspects where each one sees the reasonable nature of the other one’s request, where their intellect concurs, and also items where they humor one another even if they don’t understand.
I love Malbim’s concept that this reconnection with God, this reaffirmation, specifically happens without the fanfare and the excitement of Har Sinai. This conveys exactly the message we need in our real lives- there is the wedding day, with the glory of Har Sinai, and the moments later on, where you reconnect and reaffirm, in the quiet of your own household. And both are powerful. Both are meaningful. Both are the story you share - you and your spouse, and you and God.
I think the relationship we have with God mirrors the one we eventually have with our spouse. Of course, since God made us, and designed us, even His chukim are for our benefit and for our spiritual growth. Even though we can’t understand them, on a spiritual plane, they help us live our best life. But it’s also a preview of what we are meant to do with the people we love. There are times we follow their mishpatim and times we follow their chukim. Both are necessary. What we do on the national level, we also do on the individual level. We betroth ourselves to God, and our relationship with Him is the roadmap that will help us when we betroth ourselves to our human counterpart.
