Loneliness: Feeling Unequal to the Task
Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik once wrote in his piece “The Community,” dedicated to the memory of the Rebbitzen of Talne
Quite often a man finds himself in a crowd among strangers. He feels lonely. No one knows him, no one cares for him, no one is concerned with him. It is again an existential experience. He begins to doubt his ontological worth. This leads to alienation from the crowd surrounding him. Suddenly someone taps him on the shoulder and says, “Aren’t you Mr. So-and-So? I have heard so much about you.” In a fraction of a second his awareness changes. An alien being turns into a fellow member of an existential community (the crowd). What brought about the change? The recognition by somebody, the word!
To recognize a person is not just to identify him physically. It is more than that: it is an act of identifying him existentially, as a person who has a job to do, that only he can do properly. To recognize a person means to affirm that he is irreplaceable. To hurt a person means to tell him that he is expendable, that there is no need for him.
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I read this as a teenager and felt a powerful connection to it. It explained my life; I had spent much of it (particularly my middle school years, but even before then) feeling extremely lonely. People who are different in any way often feel this way. And that’s the thing about loneliness- it can set you apart, and make your life difficult, but it is also a gift. Soloveitchik addresses this earlier in his essay, when he writes
Why was it necessary to create lonely man? Why was social man not created at the very outset?
The originality and creativity in man are rooted in his loneliness-experience, not in his social awareness. The singleness of man is responsible for his singularity; the latter, for his creativity. Social man is superficial: he imitates, he emulates. Lonely man is profound: he creates, he is original.
Lonely man is free; social man is bound by many rules and ordinances. God willed man to be free. Man is required, from time to time, to defy the world, to replace the old and obsolete with the new and relevant. Only lonely man is capable of casting off the harness of bondage to society. Who was Abraham? Who was Elijah? Who were the prophets? People who dared rebuke society in order to destroy the status quo and replace it with a new social order. The story of Judaism is not only that of the community but also of man alone, confronted by the many. “What doest thou here, Elijah?”
מַה־לְּךָ֥ פֹ֖ה אֵלִיָּֽהוּ
וַיֹּ֩אמֶר֩ קַנֹּ֨א קִנֵּ֜אתִי לַיהֹוָ֣ה ׀ אֱלֹהֵ֣י צְבָא֗וֹת כִּֽי־עָזְב֤וּ בְרִֽיתְךָ֙ בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל אֶת־מִזְבְּחֹתֶ֣יךָ הָרָ֔סוּ וְאֶת־נְבִיאֶ֖יךָ הָרְג֣וּ בֶחָ֑רֶב וָאִוָּתֵ֤ר אֲנִי֙ לְבַדִּ֔י וַיְבַקְשׁ֥וּ אֶת־נַפְשִׁ֖י לְקַחְתָּֽהּ׃
I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant; cast down thine altars and slain thy prophets; and I, even I only am left, and they see my life… (I Kings 19:9-10)
In other words, “I am remote from my people, there is complete alienation. I am a lonely individual, I defy the community, I rebel against the nation.” The לבדו awareness is the root of heroic defiance.
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It is when Elijah finds himself alone that he reaches a point of utter despair. He flees Jezebel and her death threat, taking care to leave his attendant in the territory of Judah, where he cannot be harmed by the monarchy of Israel. But Elijah continues onward and implores God,
וְהֽוּא־הָלַ֤ךְ בַּמִּדְבָּר֙ דֶּ֣רֶךְ י֔וֹם וַיָּבֹ֕א וַיֵּ֕שֶׁב תַּ֖חַת רֹ֣תֶם (אחת) [אֶחָ֑ד] וַיִּשְׁאַ֤ל אֶת־נַפְשׁוֹ֙ לָמ֔וּת וַיֹּ֣אמֶר ׀ רַ֗ב עַתָּ֤ה יְהֹוָה֙ קַ֣ח נַפְשִׁ֔י כִּֽי־לֹא־ט֥וֹב אָנֹכִ֖י מֵאֲבֹתָֽי׃ he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush and sat down under it, and prayed that he might die. “Enough!” he cried. “Now, O LORD, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”
This is puzzling because it comes on the heels of Elijah’s greatest triumph. He has successfully persuaded the entire nation of the existence and supremacy of God. Inviting them to a showdown between God and the Ba’al (I Kings 18), he has demonstrated God is supreme. The entire nation has publicly avowed יהוה הוא האלהים, a statement we now say on Yom Kippur, holiest of days. King Ahab himself witnessed all that transpired and permitted Elijah to slaughter all of the prophets of the Ba’al. Yet despite this triumph, when Queen Jezebel issues a death threat, Elijah falls into despair and begs God to take his life.
Why?
This week’s parsha, Behaalotcha, can shed some light on this incident.
Because in this week’s parsha we encounter Moses in a moment of utter despair. The people have been given an incredible gift- the manna. It falls every day and was a substance that could be ground up, baked, cooked, boiled or made into cakes. It was the perfect substance for the nation in its infancy, just as mother’s milk was created to sustain a newborn.
And yet the people are unhappy. They crave something different- remembering with lust the foods they used to eat in Egypt, the cucumbers, melons, onions and garlic. They desire meat.
And it’s more than just unhappiness. The people have managed to transform the slavery and oppression of Egypt into something they miss- claiming that they ate their food for free (Numbers 11:5). But was it truly free? Of course not! Look at the price they paid to eat that food “freely.” But they are not considering that at this moment in time. They are looking at their past through rose-colored glasses.
Moses speaks to God:
וַיֹּ֨אמֶר מֹשֶׁ֜ה אֶל־יְהֹוָ֗ה לָמָ֤ה הֲרֵעֹ֙תָ֙ לְעַבְדֶּ֔ךָ וְלָ֛מָּה לֹא־מָצָ֥תִי חֵ֖ן בְּעֵינֶ֑יךָ לָשׂ֗וּם אֶת־מַשָּׂ֛א כׇּל־הָעָ֥ם הַזֶּ֖ה עָלָֽי׃ And Moses said to יהוה, “Why have You dealt ill with Your servant, and why have I not enjoyed Your favor, that You have laid the burden of all this people upon me?
הֶאָנֹכִ֣י הָרִ֗יתִי אֵ֚ת כׇּל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֔ה אִם־אָנֹכִ֖י יְלִדְתִּ֑יהוּ כִּֽי־תֹאמַ֨ר אֵלַ֜י שָׂאֵ֣הוּ בְחֵיקֶ֗ךָ כַּאֲשֶׁ֨ר יִשָּׂ֤א הָאֹמֵן֙ אֶת־הַיֹּנֵ֔ק עַ֚ל הָֽאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר נִשְׁבַּ֖עְתָּ לַאֲבֹתָֽיו׃ Did I produce all this people, did I engender them, that You should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom as a caregiver carries an infant,’ to the land that You have promised on oath to their fathers?
מֵאַ֤יִן לִי֙ בָּשָׂ֔ר לָתֵ֖ת לְכׇל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֑ה כִּֽי־יִבְכּ֤וּ עָלַי֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר תְּנָה־לָּ֥נוּ בָשָׂ֖ר וְנֹאכֵֽלָה׃ Where am I to get meat to give to all this people, when they whine before me and say, ‘Give us meat to eat!’
לֹֽא־אוּכַ֤ל אָנֹכִי֙ לְבַדִּ֔י לָשֵׂ֖את אֶת־כׇּל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֑ה כִּ֥י כָבֵ֖ד מִמֶּֽנִּי׃ I cannot carry all this people alone, for it is too much for me.
וְאִם־כָּ֣כָה ׀ אַתְּ־עֹ֣שֶׂה לִּ֗י הׇרְגֵ֤נִי נָא֙ הָרֹ֔ג אִם־מָצָ֥אתִי חֵ֖ן בְּעֵינֶ֑יךָ וְאַל־אֶרְאֶ֖ה בְּרָעָתִֽי׃ {פ}
If You would deal thus with me, kill me rather, I beg You, and let me see no more of my wretchedness!”
Both Elijah and Moses describe themselves as לבד- alone. Each of them ask God for death.
They are not literally alone. But they are both ideologically alone.
Elijah is the one man willing to stand strong against Ahab and Jezebel. These monarchs are fierce forces of nature but Elijah does not fear them. He speaks truth to power. He calls them out for their idolatrous ways. He never backs down. He believes he has successfully managed to convert Ahab to his cause, belief in the one true God- and shows him honor, running before his chariot all the way to Jezreel. But then Elijah receives a death threat from Jezebel. She is furious he killed her prophets.
And this is what Elijah realizes. It was not enough for Ahab to see God work His miracle. He wanted Jezebel’s perspective, Jezebel’s viewpoint, Jezebel’s favor. So he talked to her and told her all that transpired. And she sent the death threat.
At that moment, in Elijah’s mind, all is lost. If Ahab is still seeking reassurance or guidance from Jezebel, the people’s reformation and focus on God will not last. Ahab will be swayed, and thus the nation will be swayed. It has all been for naught- or so Elijah feels. Once again, he will be the one individual who can see reality, who knows of the true God’s existence, while everyone else will fall prey to Jezebel’s will.
Similarly, Moses feels an extreme connection to God. He was able to speak to God face-to-face; he wears a veil to mask the light coruscating off his face due to that. He is fully aware of God’s goodness and that the manna is the perfect food for the Israelite nation. It is the ideal form of sustenance. And yet, despite this, his unruly people choose not only to long for food they do not have, but for food they ate under painful oppression. They have chosen to reject the clear reality of God’s kindness in favor of a narrative where God is being cruel to them by refusing to give them the food they remember so fondly.
Both Elijah and Moses are in crazy-making positions. They see a reality that no one else sees.
Elijah sees the true God, but the nation has fallen victim to the Baal cult due to Ahab and Jezebel. For Elijah, Jezebel’s death threat signals that all of this is about to repeat itself; all his efforts were useless.
Moses, too, sees God’s kindness, His mercy, the ways in which He cares for His people. But where Moses sees kindness, the nation see deprivation, cruelty, and manage to make a paradise out of the hell that was Egypt.
It’s the falsity of the people’s desires that bothers Elijah and Moses- both people who can see just how radically the people err.
But it’s worse than this. Because both Elijah and Moses feel unequal to the task they have been assigned. Elijah tells God he is simply not the man for the job. He is unable to connect the nation with God. He has tried, and in his view, he has failed.
And Moses, too, realizes that the nation needs more of him than he believes he is capable of giving. As Soloveitchik explains elsewhere, Moses thought he was to be the nation’s teacher. Now he recognizes he will have to do much more than that, becoming their de facto mother, their wet nurse, someone who must give them everything he has until they drain him dry. And even then, he is not assured of success…
When God first creates the world, He declares
וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ יְהֹוָ֣ה אֱלֹהִ֔ים לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂה־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃ God יהוה said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a fitting counterpart for him.”
-Genesis 2:18
It is not good for man to be alone.
At that juncture, God creates woman. And since both Moses and Elijah are feeling deeply alone, he gives them instructions that will help them as well. Elijah is told to appoint a successor.
וְאֵת֙ יֵה֣וּא בֶן־נִמְשִׁ֔י תִּמְשַׁ֥ח לְמֶ֖לֶךְ עַל־יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל וְאֶת־אֱלִישָׁ֤ע בֶּן־שָׁפָט֙ מֵאָבֵ֣ל מְחוֹלָ֔ה תִּמְשַׁ֥ח לְנָבִ֖יא תַּחְתֶּֽיךָ׃ Also anoint Jehu son of Nimshi as king of Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah to succeed you as prophet.
-I Kings 19:16
Elisha becomes Elijah’s apprentice, someone else who is able to perceive God like him. While their methods differ, Elijah is no longer ideologically alone; he has someone else with him that he can train, and teach, and bring close to God. Perhaps this helps him. In any event, he does not beg for death again.
In Moses’ case, he is told to appoint seventy members of the people, and God will spread his spirit among them. (He is also told to take a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle approach to the meat issue, but that only comes second- because the true issue here is his loneliness, not the meat.)
Later on, Moses movingly declares “Would that they were all prophets!” (Numbers 11:29) when Joshua mistakenly tries to defend his master’s honor.
I wrote about this verse, and my interpretation of it, back in 2007. I was eighteen. This pasuk has always resonated with me. I also wish that everyone was a prophet. Because if everyone was a prophet, if everyone saw God, if His spirit filled the whole earth, existence would be much easier.
Lonely humans are capable of great things. They can speak truth to power. They can come up with creative, original interpretations. They can imagine a world that doesn’t yet exist, and do their best to build it. But they also experience unique frustrations and disappointments when they see people acting in a way that doesn’t fit the greatness inherent in those people, their potential, their beauty. When they see people embracing blatant falsity over truth. And when they’ve given their all, when they’ve tried so hard, only to see people fail on their watch it’s overwhelming, disheartening and damaging. These are the moments of bleak despair, when you feel like you are totally unequal to the task that has been assigned, and believe there is no reason for you to be here anymore. These are the moments when loneliness eats away at you and does not elevate you.
And that’s when God has mercy. He says, “I will give you a companion.” That companion could be a spouse, a fellow prophet or an apprentice you’re meant to train. But there is someone else walking beside you; there is a reason for you to try once more. Because there is someone who will benefit from your trying. There is someone else who can see what you can see. There is a reason to get up and keep walking, despite the burden that weighs heavy on your soul. Now you are being witnessed. You are being seen. As Soloveitchik wrote, you have been identified on an existential level- you are irreplaceable- there is a job only you can do properly.
One of your best!