I’ve been reflecting on my trip to Israel, and want to write down some musings and takeaways before I forget. They appear in no particular order.
I Am Capable
One of the main reasons I did not go on a gap year was simple fear. This was a time when the cognitive distortions of “what ifs,” “shoulds” and “catastrophizing” ruled my life. I was afraid of doing something wrong. I was afraid I would not know how to fill out the customs form properly, afraid of interacting with people who spoke a language I didn’t speak (or at least didn’t speak well), afraid of getting lost. I was so afraid that the concept of being alone in a foreign country for a year was far too overwhelming for me. New York was a place I knew I could navigate- a place where everyone spoke English, and that was only a two hour flight from home. Israel felt not doable.
It was also a different time- a time without smartphones (though I had a nice hot pink Motorola Razr), without Google Maps in the palm of your hand, without the easy ability to get directions and navigate on the fly. Things have obviously changed and yet, vestiges of my fear remained. I wanted Heshy to come with me, or wished I was going on a group flight. The fear of doing something wrong (which is always accompanied by the fear that then everyone will laugh at me or think I am stupid) remained.
But what I learned over the course of my trip is that I am capable. Yes, I needed to ask Tal for help, and she explained about adapters, travel insurance and phone plans. Yes, Tal helped me navigate Ben Gurion Airport and get on the train to Jerusalem. But I know now that it is actually okay to ask for help and people won’t think you’re weaker for it. I was able to walk to and from Shula’s apartment on my own, whether it was to and from Matan or a different location. I took buses all over Jerusalem on my own. And the main takeaway I got was I can do this. If I plan in advance, if I don’t mind reaching out to people, if I’m not afraid to ask for help, I can travel to a foreign country (albeit one where most people do speak English in addition to Hebrew) and I can make everything work. I am more capable than I thought.
This was a very empowering experience- because I simply couldn’t lean on anyone else as a crutch. There was no one else to lean on. And while I wish Heshy could have come along with me, I wouldn’t have learned this lesson then. Because Heshy is never afraid to go up to people and ask for help, and I would just have relied on him to do it instead of me.
It also became clear other people make mistakes, too, and they aren’t bad people because of it. When we all received our customs forms on the flight back to Chicago, the pilot announced multiple times that we should not fill them out but should rather leave them blank. Despite this, my seat mate (who had earbuds in her ears) started filling them out. I tapped her and told her not to. Similarly, when I was in Israel itself, other people talked about how they found the process of navigating the exit from the airport (the biometric scanner for the passport, the photo visa card, the random blue slip) confusing and non-intuitive. I was not the only one. This was a shared human experience, not Chana-as-a-failure experience. It was very affirming.
Connection to the Land
I will confess I never really understood why parents were willing to spend thousands of dollars to send their children to Israel for a summer program, let alone a gap year. Having spent ten days in Israel, I now understand. The air is different. The atmosphere is different. Walking the winding streets of Jerusalem and seeing men in black hats flying through the streets on scooters, moms jogging in sweatpants and little kids acting as crossing guards is an experience. Being in a land where ancient history and modern life consistently run up against each other is an experience. To be able to be in a large, bright, open synagogue in Alon Shvut, then simply walk a bit to go on the Path of the Patriarchs and see remnants from Roman Times, is an experience. It is hard to connect to a land you have never visited, a land you have never seen. Of course it is possible, but it is not the same. To actually know the land, to walk its paths, learn its history, recognize that major figures from the Tanakh stood where you stood, is something else entirely. And it is worth trying to figure out a way to visit, to bring your children, to spend the money on the gap year or summer program, so that people can learn to know the land, and thus to love the land.
I still think it is true that a gap year program is not for everyone. I think it was better for me that I attended Stern, where I was able to learn from people like Rabbi Mordechai Cohen, Rebbetzin Sarah Greer, Dr. Michelle Levin, Mrs. Smadar Rosenzweig and ultimately, in Revel, Rabbi Dr. Shnayer Leiman. But what I needed at that time were Jewish role models I could emulate, not a push to make aliyah. If you are a high school student who is not me, which is to say, not angry at God and about Judaism as a whole, building a connection with the land of Israel could be a vitally important step of your development as a human being. When I pray now and I speak about Israel, I understand what I’m saying. I have a sense of place I did not have before- even though my parents did take me on a trip to the land when I was in 11th grade. I simply didn’t appreciate it as much then as I can now.
Meeting Role Models
Matan put together an incredible itinerary for us. There is something special about having been able to see, learn from and interact with the following people on their home turf:
Rabbanit Shani Taragin
Dr. Yosefa Wruble
Mrs. Simi Peters
Dr. Yael Ziegler
Rabbi Reuven Ziegler
Rabbi Allen Heber
Rabbi Menachem Leibtag
Rabbi Alex Israel
Dr. Nechama Barash
and of course the amazing Rivi Frankel. This is an all-star lineup of speakers. People would be thrilled to have even one of these educators come as a scholar-in-residence to their community or grace their Yom Iyun. I got to meet all of them. I now have these people’s emails or ways to get their contact information. If I have questions, I can reach out to them. That’s powerful.
The Female Cohort
On this program, we were able to meet our peers- prior to this, we only knew each other from Zoom. What I loved about our female cohort was the multiplicity of perspectives, points of view and attitudes on any given topic. I now have a network of women that I can ask questions to when it comes to Tanakh teaching. They can share their ideas, lesson plans or approaches with me, and I with them. It was also wonderful that it was inter-generational. I like programs that support women meeting from and learning from other women, regardless of their age. There were women on the program in their 20s and women who could have been my mother’s age. That meant there were people with a lot of different life experiences in that one room- and that was outstanding.
The Topography of the Land
The more I went on tiyulim, the more I understood how essential it is to understand the layout and topography of the land to really comprehend sefarim in Tanakh. Unfortunately, understanding maps, let alone teaching maps and topography, doesn’t come naturally to me. But I at least comprehend what a difference it can make to my students if I were to understand the layout of the land, because then I can show them how the topography really affected a battle or the way people journeyed, and when they get to the country, they can see it with their own eyes. Sometimes students are removed from the layout of the land, thinking the stories of the Tanakh are like a fairy tale that happened “in a land far, far away” that we don’t have access to. Not so. They happened right here- in a land we can touch, and walk, and visit. In any case, I still hope to get a copy of Traveling with the Bible by Galia Doron. I’m already getting a copy of The Koren Tanakh of the Land of Israel-Samuel for myself, and I bought a Daat Mikra Atlas at Pomeranz Books. (Hopefully Heshy will help me make sense of it. He understands maps and geography.)
Even though I’m not there yet, it’s good to have a clear understanding of where I need to improve.
The Hand of God
It has always been clear to me that the hand of God is at work in my life. This is not surprising because my main connection to Judaism is through God- not halakha, not the land of Israel, not Jewish holidays- God Himself. It’s God who I’ve spoken to throughout my life, and God who has answered me even when I didn’t think He was listening.
The exact ways in which God has showed up in my life could be a subject for its own post. But this time, here’s what happened. I had prayed for Marc to meet his match for years, and the exact wording of my prayer was “and I want to dance at his wedding.” At the time that was a totally logical prayer, because he was based in New York and Toronto. But then he made aliyah, and was living happily in Israel.
Meanwhile, in 2020, I jumped at the chance to do the Matan Bellows Eshkolot Professional Development program. I figured it was a one-time thing that they were offering a program on Zoom, and that it might go away after COVID, so I had to grab the opportunity. Heshy was incredibly helpful and supportive as I learned each Sunday anywhere from 9am-1pm or 9am-3pm. We learned for about 10 months and then were told they planned to give us a stipend that would enable us to come, as a cohort, to learn Torah together at Matan in Israel.
They planned the trip once. COVID canceled it. They planned the trip a second time. I actually bought a ticket that time. Israel became a red country due to COVID and wouldn’t let any flights in. They planned the trip a third time. I was coming. Marc told me he got engaged. But first the wedding was supposed to be Dec 25th. I was bummed, but obviously the important thing was for the timing to work for the couple. Then that date didn’t work out. A different date was suggested, and finally a third date- the very Sunday that I would be in Israel. I was flying to Israel for the second time in my entire life, after the get-together had already been planned and cancelled twice before, and I was going to attend Marc’s wedding.
It was incredibly meaningful for me to be able to see Marc and Moore become a married couple. It was like a Dayenu sequence. Dayenu that Marc got engaged to someone he loves. Dayenu that I get to come to the land of Israel in a way that I can afford. Dayenu that I can learn from wonderful teachers at Matan. And then my cup overflows because I also get to participate in this amazing simcha in person, not only through the livestream, and capture incredible and special moments on camera.
The hand of God has always been strong in my life, but this time it was actually unmistakable. Not everyone gets to have the experience of having their prayers answered so clearly.
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I’m glad I got the opportunity to go to Israel. I feel privileged and lucky. I also feel very appreciative of Heshy, who supported my learning every Sunday and supported my leaving him alone to take care of the entire family while I went on this trip (not an easy task when it’s only one day, let alone eleven days.)
I’m going into Shabbat reflective and happy, and that is no small thing.