I listened to @alayabcoaching’s Instagram Live with Dr. Morgan Cutlip (@mylovethinks) on infidelity and found it to be compassionate, moving and powerful. (I’m always an advocate for having the difficult conversations, and that includes talking about the topics that induce fear, guilt and shame. I believe in Anne Lamott’s idea of shining a light on the monster within.) The live was titled “Infidelity: An Open Conversation” and it discussed infidelity within the Orthodox Jewish community as well. You can listen to Part 1 here and Part 2 here. I excerpted one part of their dialogue just so you can see the way in which the topic was handled.
Alaya: If it feels like cheating to me, it is cheating. It’s kind of like- I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on this. Cheating is if one partner thinks something is cheating and one partner doesn’t, for that relationship, it is cheating.
Morgan: Absolutely, because the one who feels like it’s cheating feels betrayed. And when you’re betrayed your trust is broken, you’re going to have a hard time investing any more trust. Your belief in your partner completely shifts where you start to see them in new ways, you feel completely vulnerable and insecure. If one person is saying “Listen, when you’re watching porn every night instead of having sex with me, I feel like you’re cheating-“ and I feel like that’s probably a pretty common argument in a lot of relationships. It’s disrupting that connection, diverting that attention and so absolutely. I totally agree with that.
Alaya: And that touches on the next point that I wanted to bring up- disrupting that bond and that connection leans into why is cheating out of all different ways that you can betray your partner, and now when we say cheating we’re talking about emotional affairs, texting with other women, porn, webcam, massages with happy endings, any of those things, if they are within your relationship a violation- but cheating is worse than all other ways that your an betray your partner in a way. There’s something about cheating that’s like the biggest betrayal, it’s like, they cheat once- leave. But other ways that people mistreat their spouses or hurt their relationships- we’re not like “He gaslit you once- leave,” “He called you a name once- leave,” “He slammed the door on you once”- so what is it about cheating that’s so much larger?
Morgan: I’m not contradicting it but I thought this was interesting. [...] There’s something at the core of all betrayals and this isn’t my saying so I cannot take credit but I heard this recently, “Infidelity is the thief of reality” and betrayals are the thief of reality. What does that mean? It means everything that came before you feel was completely a lie. You can’t tell truth from reality. And it creates this massive sense of confusion and loss in your own life. And the tis one of the most devastating pieces to infidelity and affairs. Did you ever love me? Especially because affairs don’t always happen in bad relationships. To be in a decent relationship and have an affair, I thought we were good, is my perception distorted? It creates this crazy making type of experience. And I think that another piece that makes it so hard is that it’s like if somebody, especially if you’re married and have kids and have all of this investment together, what does it say about me if someone is willing to risk all of that for a little bit of this? It shakes your sense of confidence in yourself, shakes your sense of confidence in all relationships, it’s just like your foundation is completely rocked. It burns relationships to the ground. They can be rebuilt; you can kind of rise from the ashes. But it is such a dismantling of sense of security and of the relationship.
Alaya: It was so beautifully said and it touches on something I heard Esther Perel - and she said- it was so profound. She was saying why is cheating so much worse? And she said generations ago we got married for land, titles, security, business arrangements, joining of families. Marriage was not love and sex based. You got married to one person and then you were able to sleep with whoever you want, fall in love with whoever, that was the norm. Nobody expected marriage to be the place where you get your love and sex needs fulfilled. But then when that shifted and monogamy became more of the way and relationships became more of- there was this wave of now we turn to relationships for love and sex exclusively so then it’s like this is the one space where you’re supposed to get those needs met and you’re going elsewhere for the thing you’re supposed to get only from me? So it’s so much worse. And on the flip side when the sex life is disrupted in the marriage, this is the space where I’m supposed to get this thing so the disappointment is so much larger and the betrayal feels so much bigger because it’s like this is the one thing I’m meant to provide for you over anybody else in the world.
There is so much excellent content here. It will make you think deeply about relationships, connecting with your partner, and how to support a friend who is going through this life-altering experience. Highly recommended.