What are you afraid of?
Most people are afraid of death. It’s not death itself that scares me. It’s dying while leaving something unfinished. That could be raising my children, or it could be whatever it is I’m meant to do in this world.
But worse than that is the idea that I might harm someone. I think this is why driving is difficult for me. The stakes are so high. If I mess it up, I kill someone. Whether it’s someone I know or someone I don’t, the thought is paralyzing. It’s hard to get behind a wheel and drive when you’re cognizant of the fact that if you do something wrong, you hurt someone, possibly in a life-altering way.
I think about the fear of our forefather Jacob. I find it relatable.
ויירא ויצר. וַיִּירָא שֶׁמָּא יֵהָרֵג, וַיֵּצֶר לוֹ אִם יַהֲרֹג הוּא אֶת אֲחֵרִים (בראשית רבה ותנחומא):
ויירא...ויצר HE FEARED GREATLY AND WAS DISTRESSED — He was afraid lest he be killed, and he was distressed that he might have to kill someone (Genesis Rabbah 76:2).
Dying is bad. Killing someone else is so much worse.
People talk glibly about facing their fears. It’s much harder to do than it seems. It’s easy to seem brave if you were never scared in the first place. You can go where other people fear to tread because their fear was never yours.
It’s different when you’re terrified.
A car isn’t just a car to me. A car is an instrument that can kill people. I want nothing to do with it. At the same time, in my mind, I realize it’s a tool. It’s something that can help me. If I can figure out how to drive, I can do my own grocery shopping. Drop my own children off at school. Take them to birthday parties. Take them on outings. All of this appeals to me. Intellectually.
The difficult part is how to make it work in my heart. The fear doesn’t come from my brain. It comes from a place that’s much deeper rooted. It comes from inside of me, where it’s festered and grown, interwoven with thoughts of failure, of disappointing others, or worse, of fulfilling my own dark prophecy and actually harming someone else, even though I don’t intend to.
I look forward to the days when self-driving cars become widespread. It can’t come fast enough for me.
In the meantime, the goal is to psych myself up to be able to master this fear, and do something I find difficult. Something that comes easily to nearly everyone I know.
I’d like to think I’m strong enough to slay dragons.
But I won’t be until I can rule my own mind.