I recently read the book ‘Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love’ by John and Julie Gottman. (I am aware of the limitations of the Gottman method, and I’ve read the articles that claim to debunk it. What matters to me is whether I find the Gottman advice useful.)
There was a section that really spoke to me. It had to do with commitment. (The parts in bold are sections I’ve chosen to emphasize.)
JUMPING IN WITH TWO FEET
Many years ago, John had been working with a couple for several weeks. One night, when they showed up at their appointed time, the couple made it clear that they were “done.” John was the sixth therapist the couple had been to, and as far as they were concerned, therapy was failing and it was time to break up with John as their therapist, and perhaps time to break up with each other as well. John was surprised and sorry the couple had decided to quit- he had thought their case was going well and everyone was making progress.
“Could you do me a favor?” asked John. “Since you’ve already paid for this session, would you be willing to stay and help me understand why my therapy has failed for you? As a therapist, I have a commitment to myself to grow from my failures.”
The couple agreed to stay. John asked them what their week had been like.
“We had a huge argument…” the woman began, but then her husband interrupted her to continue the story.
“We went to a party and I was in the middle of a great conversation with a woman I met there, and then my wife taps me on the shoulder like she always does, and said she was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed.”
John nodded. He had heard this couple fight tooth and nail negotiating agreements between them. He was a successful businessman, while she was a therapist who had all but given up her practice to stay home with their children, and their struggle was always about time, money, and ultimately, who held the power to call the shots. John asked them to explain more about what happened at the party that led them to deciding to end therapy.
“Well,” the man said, “She was tired and wanted to leave, so on the car ride home I told her that I had found the woman at the party really attractive and had enjoyed talking to her.” John didn’t respond as the man recalled that he told his wife that they never talked like that anymore, and he was turned on by the woman at the party because she was flirting with him and his wife hadn’t flirted with him in a long time.
“And what did you say to that?” John asked the woman.
“I got angry and told him to grow up and stop flirting with other women.”
“And what were you thinking?”
The woman paused for a moment and then said, “I was thinking that I wished I was with a more mature man, and that I could do better.”
It was at that moment that John understood why his therapy hadn’t worked, and why the couple had gone through five other therapists before coming to him. “You can go now,” he told the couple. “I know why therapy isn’t working. Thank you.”
The couple was stunned and just sat there. They asked John to tell them what he had learned from their argument that made things so clear to him.
“Well,” began John, “you guys were in love so you got engaged and had a wedding. You bought a house together and you had two children together. But there’s no commitment in your relationship. You’re always thinking maybe you can do better. You meet a woman at a party and while you’re having a good time talking and flirting, you’re comparing her to your wife and thinking you can do better. And when he complains to you, you also think you could do better with a more mature man. You’re not really committed.”
The husband began to protest, “Everything I do is for my family. I sacrifice every day. What do you mean I’m not committed?” The wife also voiced her protest about her own commitment being lacking. “I take care of everything at home, and I also have a stressful job.”
“Let me tell you the story of Alice in Wonderland,” said John. “Alice sees this very unusual rabbit go down a hole, and she jumps in with two feet. She has no idea what this journey is going to be and Wonderland isn’t really all that great a place- there’re scary things, challenging things, and things that are also interesting and fascinating. It’s an adventure, and Alice doesn’t know what’s in store for her, but she jumps in anyway. Alice doesn’t hesitate or think maybe a better rabbit will come along tomorrow. She feels in her heart that she’s embarking on a profound journey and that, despite the difficulties, it’s still magical and amazing. Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment. You two never did that. You have the trappings of commitment and loyalty, but you go to a party and think someone else can meet your needs better. You don’t like each other’s behavior and think that means they’re not the one for you. When you negotiate with each other, it’s always from a point of self-interest, not mutual benefit. You haven’t built trust, or commitment, or a foundation of loyalty to each other because you’re not really in this relationship. That’s why no therapist can help you. You’re both still looking over your shoulder thinking the grass would be greener if you had followed some other rabbit down some other rabbit hole, into some different wonderland.”
-pages 45-48
I experienced this as a powerful piece of writing. You see, I have a “what if” brain. It’s a brain that constantly wonders and questions, “But what if?” I see alternatives. Alternate possibilities. Alternate outcomes. And usually, this is a wonderful thing. It means I see solutions other people might not have thought of. I see an interpretation of text others didn’t notice.
But sometimes a “what if” mind can be a liability. Because a “what if” mind can do exactly what is described in this text, wonder about paths not taken. And that’s not the way to love someone. If you’re going to love someone, you should do it by jumping in feet first, having chosen that rabbit hole and no other rabbit hole, and forging ahead without looking back. You choose your adventure and then you commit to your adventure.
This made me think about the possible reasons that a person would not do this. Why fail to commit? And I think the simplest reason is that it’s not safe. I was put in mind of an episode from The Bear, Season 2, Episode 8.
Carmy: I just want you to know that this is really nice. [Pause] So nice that I, uh…
Claire: You’re waiting for the other shoe.
Carmy: That’s it.
Claire: You wanna know a secret?
Carmy: Yes.
Claire: (whispers) Nobody’s keeping track of shoes.
Carmy: (sad smile, whispers) Whoa.
Claire: (smile, whispers back) I know!
Here’s the thing about being committed. If you’re committed, that’s a risk. It’s not safe anymore. Because you’re all in, and if you’re all in, it means you can get hurt. If you’re always holding back a bit, if you’re making your way through life, or a relationship, never having fully jumped, no one can ever really hurt you. Because you’re protecting yourself. And that protection is probably a coping mechanism you needed at one time. It’s probably a learned behavior. You can’t risk being as vulnerable as being fully committed would make you.
Until you can. Because that’s what you need to learn how to do- love hard. Love without boundaries. Love in a way where you open yourself up to getting hurt. Love in a way where life is real, and difficult, and messy, and painful, and sometimes you’re angry that you jumped into the rabbit hole, but you also realize that it’s where you belong. There is no alternative option. The only way out is through.
You’re jumping without a parachute. There is no safety net. There’s only you, and the air, and the belief that you made the right choice.
When you can live this way, when you can love this way, it’s much scarier- but it’s also rewarding.
This is how you create a soulmate. You don’t fall in love. You choose it. You actively decide you’re in, no holds barred, no fail-safe, no rearview mirror. You’re in. You’re bound. You’re committed.
You don’t choose it once on the day you get married. You choose it every day. Every day you wake up in the morning and you say, “Yes. This. This person. I choose you.”
And that- the choice- is what matters.
(As a sidenote, this is why men wear Tefilllin. This is exactly what they are saying to God. They are committing. On a daily basis, as they lay Tefillin, they say “And I will betroth you unto Me forever/ And I will betroth you unto Me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in loving-kindness, and in compassion. And I will betroth you unto Me in faithfulness and you shall know the Lord.” Every single day they choose. They choose God. Every day is a new commitment. And every day they reaffirm that commitment. It’s not a passive love but an active love. And it’s what love should be.)
(Angel of the Waters at Bethesda Fountain in Central Park)